Everyone knows that pursuing a career in advertising can lead to workaholism, alcoholism and, when ordering from the wrong 24-hour deli, botulism.
Who would have guessed that the answer to my prayer to escape from the everyday grind of writing TV commercials could not only be found on TV, but within the 30-second confines of a TV commercial itself? Between a Very Special Single Guy and a must-see Seinfeld I realized: I deserve a break today. Because I'm worth it. Calgon, take me away! I've got some Royal Caribbean coming.
So, I booked a room at the eternally quaint Tucker Inn, right outside Hidden Valley Ranch in Marlboro Country. Known, respectively, for their rich yet light dessert toppings, rich and creamy salad dressings and rich full tobacco flavor.
Then it was on to the Pond's Institute for a rich and creamy complexion. Because younger looking skin begins with healthy skin. The next stop was the Vidal Sassoon Academy, because they promised me that if I didn't look good, they wouldn't look good. And they all looked good. I*had a few hours to kill before retiring for the evening, so I went to Sears for a ladder and ended up with a fall wardrobe! A saleswoman from the "softer side" suggested I'd look better in a sweater washed in Woolite and a Cross Your Heart bra, because it lifts and separates. She was right! I guess a woman knows what a woman needs.
The next morning, the best part of waking up was Folgers in my cup. The cup of my Cross Your Heart bra. Clumsy me, I had a bad case of Finger Man! I didn't know it was decaf until Mrs. Olsen showed me how the richest kind of coffee is mountain grown. Of course, we had to hike through the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant and the Valley of Fatigue to get there. Which is probably how I caught my cold. So I stopped by the Halls of Medicine on the way back. (A tip: They're very long, so wear comfortable shoes. I suggest something that looks like a pump but feels like a sneaker.)
Back in my room, I dozed off while watching the Coors Channel, which reminded me to visit the Silver Bullet bar for happy hour. That's where I ran into Madge the Manicurist ("You're soaking in it!"), Rosie ("The quicker picker upper!") and Mr. Jenkins, who turned out to be an even quicker picker upper because, apparently, he'd been soaking in it for hours.
We went to the House of Seagrams for a nightcap, where we encountered Col. Sanders and Captain Crunch celebrating the moment with everything but a Swiss Mocha International coffee. Sanders insisted on making it a Michelob night but the Captain retorted, "Bud Light, I said!" Then Captain Morgan showed up and we all had rum and Cokes. Like always.
It's no wonder I woke up with a headache this big. I wasn't sure if I should take six Tylenol, four Motrin IB, or two Alleve, so I took them all. Of course, you shouldn't take them on an empty stomach, so I had to have something more than Carnation Instant Breakfast, even though it has a full day's supply of vitamins and minerals. So I called up Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben. And you know what? Everything is better with Blue Bonnet on it. And nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Spike Lee, her ex-husband. I even tasted Kellogg's Corn Flakes again for the first time. They're greeeeaaat! But when I asked, "Where's the beef?" I was told, "It's what's for dinner." So I had the other white meat. It was fingerlickin' good. I can't believe I ate the whole thing.
Luckily, I had taken my Tagamet HB, because it starts working even before you eat. I thought maybe I'd watch a video in my room. The maid came around with some selections. She said, "Who wants Gump?" I cried, "I do, I do!"
When I left, I asked the valet for the "Lincoln Town Car, please"; he insisted I see the USA in his Chevrolet, and warned me to drive safely. But I explained that on the road of life there are passengers and there are drivers. Life was a journey, and I should enjoy the ride. As I sank back into the rich Corinthian leather I thought, It really doesn't get any better than this. Later, I debated whether to stop at Pepperidge or Hillshire Farms. But the last thing I needed was a little lovin' from the oven, so I stopped at Deer Park. That's good water! When I get back I really must give them a week so I can take off the weight. Because, let's face it, nothing beats a great pair of legs.
And to think only five days ago I had a yeast infection! If my friends could see