WEIGHTY MATTERS; ALL THAT GLITTERS ...

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Contest #462: A tip of the T.N.T. turban to Phoenix-based Alpern AdHoc, a full-service marketing agency, for picking up some new business recently, but one these new clients, Surgi-Lite in Los Angeles, caused us to pause. Surgi-Lite, according to the agency's press release, is a "successful weight loss solution for the morbidly obese." Maybe we're just stuck in our skinny frame of reference, but what does it mean to be "morbidly obese?" T.N.T.ers: come up with the next product and marketing effort aimed at the "morbidly obese."

And now for the results of Contest #458: This being Hollywood's award season, and given how gruelingly dull these shows can be, we asked you to inject some pizazz into those shindigs:

First Prize: David Hasselhoff will host the Academy Awards with the rest of the beautiful people from "Baywatch." The proceedings will be held at the beach, with winners using bullhorns to deliver acceptance speeches. But to get their awards, winners must comb the beaches with maps and metal detectors to uncover their buried statue, reshaped to resemble the curvy Pamela Anderson. Jim Sabo, commercial producer, Brose Productions, Tarrytown, N.Y. (Editor's note to Jim: Sorry, buddy, but David doesn't qualify as a beautiful person, not by any standard of beauty known to man or woman. Ed.)

Second Prize: Hollywood's flavor of the year, Quentin Tarantino, brings his violent vision of crime to life at the Oscars. Goons decked in "Reservoir Dogs" black slink onstage during the traditionally embarrassing opening dance number and blow away this year's Debbie Allen troupe. Then they spare the audience three hours of bad jokes and insincere tributes by tying up those two Price Waterhouse geeks and torturing the winners' names out of them, all the while chatting up pop culture issues like if Shaft could kick Van Damme's ass. John Halligan, copywriter, Bernard Hodes Advertising, Philadelphia.

Third Prize: In a surprise move, the Irving Thalberg Award is given this year to Dr. Harold Schlongmeir, plastic surgeon to the stars. A retrospective of films featuring extreme close-ups of Dr. Schlongmeir's patients (and his work) is screened, followed by the presentation of a cosmetically enhanced Oscar. Marc Braunstein, writer, FireBrand, Providence, R.I.

Entries for Contest #462 must be sent by March 20. Send entries to T.N.T. Contest #462, Advertising Age, 6500 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 2300, Los Angeles, Calif., 90048, or fax them to (213) 655-8157. Please include, legibly, your name, title, company, address and daytime phone number on the sheet with your entry. Users of the online Prodigy service can file T.N.T. entries to Ad Age through the Prodigy Bulletin Board. Top three winners win T.N.T.-shirts. Entries become property of Ad Age and cannot be returned.

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