Look at the guy's face. You don't get that reaction from Milk Bones. It's obvious the guy's other dog, Fluffy the Poodle, is under the table enjoying some . . .
Thor Rosenquist, email@example.com
OK, we've got the man's-best-friend thing out of the way fast. Thor, you sound like one of those groupies who lingers outside the poop room at the Westminster Kennel Club show.
The pothead is munching on the first thing he found in the kitchen cabinet . . .
Tania Gomez firstname.lastname@example.org
Great, we've got the Partnership propaganda out of the way fast, but Tania, please. He's already got a bowl of dip on the table. Why would the reefer madman bother opening the cabinet?
Midnight soul swap leaves Ted out howling in the cold with fleas and no keys, while indoors Rover chows down on biscuits `n' dip and gets down with a surprised Mrs. Ted.
Kihm Winship, email@example.com
And here goes the representative switcheroo entry, with a special out-of-body bestiality bonus. Do they call you Lil' Kihm at the office?
Just before this lifelong loser sticks his bone in a heaping pile of dip, his faithful pup howls a warning: "Noooo! You forgot the wine . . ."
Charles Frank, firstname.lastname@example.org
Very interesting, Chuck. Canine oenophilia. It sounds filthy, but it's not. Kinda like your e-mail address.
The lonely man is just doing as his dip bids And the dog on the golf course? Well, he's obviously talking to the spaceship. See? Maybe you people should take a lesson from Anne Heche and stop stereotyping others.
J. Frederick, email@example.com
Anne Heche, author of Call Me Crazy? She just married a guy called Coleman Laffoon, which is also the name of a new cooler to keep jokes cold. Weird, eh?
Why do dogs lick their bowls? Because they can. Spike always had a leg up on Bob when it came to self-indulgent pleasure. Now, with his insatiable desire for the taste of Lipton onion dip, Bob can finally lick his bowls.
Chris Byrnes firstname.lastname@example.org
Chris, are you the opening act at the Bide-A-Wee sales convention? "I just chased a car all the way from Chicago, and boy, are my legs tired!"
Eating dog biscuits is simply an age-old rite of passage for the male of our species. Who among us has not in our youth dabbled in biscuits? Let him throw the first bone.
Steve Mark, email@example.com
Steve, right on, dude. We personally have a serious Meaty Bonz jones, and as far as we're concerned, a salty snack is a salty snack. Not to mention all the protein.
This guy's like my current ex-boyfriend: sadistic! He's teasing his poochie cruelly; the dog has the rest of the biscuits in his doghouse - that was to have been his snack.
Janet Baker, firstname.lastname@example.org
Janet, we're having trouble with this, and not just the current ex-boyfriend concept. The brute really did this to you? Did he use Triscuits, at least?
It's about sex with Rex. As the dominant species in this duo, he is humiliating his submissive partner by chaining him outside the window to watch his sadistic master chow down on his biscuits.
Mike Giunta, email@example.com
This is remarkably similar to the previous entry, `cept you added the time-tested bow-wow powwow. Nice touch, Mike, but we'll never forgive you for what you did to Janet, you sadist, you!
Thought bubble above man's head reads, "I'll teach that damn dog a thing or two about howling all friggin' day and night. Glad my neighbor happened to mention that his dog was deathly allergic to onions. He-he-he."
Douglas Trattner, firstname.lastname@example.org
Doug, that's she-she-she. Stop being exclusionary.
Lipton onion dip is more than a party treat, it's an excellent way to stay regular, with a trippy side effect: tension-releasing farts so high-pitched the neighborhood dogs will go crazy.
David Newton, email@example.com
Is this how those invisible fences work? Dave, thank you. Flatulence is a subject that's just not dealt with enough in these pages. Wear Benji's flea collar with pride. But don't eat any onions.