THE KAFKA QUESTIONNAIRE: MIKE SAMONEK

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Not that it matters anymore, but in the old days, did you think Lite beer tasted great or was less filling?

As I was only 11 years old at the time, I'm afraid I was far too drunk to notice one way or the other.

What do you do when you run out of Miracle Whip?

Switch to Miracle Chains.

Are you prepared for Y2K?

Absolutely! In the year 2000, all conspiracy theories will be revealed as true, much to the delight of myself and others like me who hope that there really is some secret organization running The Global Show, since the people who seem to be leading us are such a bunch of pinheads.It would be a shame to discover that this reality is actually the best we can do as a species.

Would you rather have an Erector set or a chemistry set?

If you use your chemistry set to make Viagra, you can have both.

Does Dick, Creative Superstar, know Monica Lewinsky?

Not as well as she knows Dick.

Where do you want to go today?

Any place where tired Viagra and Monica Lewinsky references are forbidden.

Who's got the best Burger: McDonald's, Burger King or Wendy's, and why?

Burger King, because he's the King of Burgers and there's nothing higher than a King except the Pope and there is no such thing as Burger Pope . . . wait a minute! Call the Vatican, this could work! "Would you like a Eucharist with that?"

Who's the single greatest advertising creative of this century?

The original visionary who took black marker to cardboard and wrote the immortal phrase: "Will work for food."

Not bad for a production and media budget of zero dollars,

What's your favorite bedside reading?

Tattoos.

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