THE KAFKA QUESTIONNAIRE

By Published on .

, Creative Director, Arian, Lowe & Travis, Chicago

We've had the Chihuahua, the frogs, the lizards and Charlie the Tuna. What's going to be the next big spokesanimal, and for what?

I don't think there should be any more spokesanimals. Especially after a spokes-animal killed one of my uncles.

What's one product that you'd never advertise, and why?

I wouldn't advertise pencil erasers. Not after one felled an uncle of mine.

What product would you like to advertise, and why?

There aren't too many products that haven't already contributed to the horrendous death of one of my uncles, so that's a tough question. Maybe board games. Oh wait, I forgot about Uncle Larry.

What's your favorite quote about advertising?

My Uncle Jeff once told me, "If this business ever gets you down . . ." Before he finished, he was killed by a make-it-yourself picture frame.

What ad do you wish you'd written?

Probably just an ad about something safe. You know, with none of my uncles dying in the end.

What ad are you glad you didn't write?

After the Clock Radio Incident, I'm glad I never wrote an ad for one of those. I mean, who knew?

Would you rather be stuck on a desert island with: Mr. Clean or Mr. Whipple, and why?

Definitely Mr. Clean. I'll never forgive Mr. Whipple. Neither will my Aunt Madeline. He knew what he was doing the whole time. That trial was bullshit.

Who's the next Milk Mustache shill, and what do they say?

You know, the mustache thing seems real funny until you lose an uncle like that.

What ad slogan best describes you?

Something cheerful. Maybe a lottery slogan or something.

You're making dinner for Charles Saatchi and Damien Hirst. What do you cook?

Whatever I'd make, it would be for four. They never did find Uncle Steve. I don't know, I just keep hoping he'll show up.

What are your plans for the Millennium?

In this article:
Most Popular