THE KAFKA QUESTIONNAIRE

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Who would you rather get drunk with: Louie the Lizard or the Budweiser Frogs?

Specifically, the "Er" frog. I mean, he's hysterical. The way those other two guys set him up with "Bud" and "Weis" and just when you think the hilarity is over, that "Er" frog really zings it to you. Think of that night in the bar. I'd say "Boilermak" and he'd say "Er". . . I'd say "Beefeat" he'd say "Er." What a riot!

What is Joe Camel doing these days?

Sitting in a trailer home in upstate New York sucking a cigarette into a dirty little hole in his throat.

What's your favorite spokesanimal?

I like Snuggles, the fabric softener bear. He keeps his air of professionalism no matter how many times they make him peek out from behind the laundry basket.

Is Mr. Clean gay?

Absolutely not. What's wrong with you people? A handsome, sinewy man shaves his head, wears a skin-tight T-shirt and is fastidious about clean floors and suddenly you're wondering about his sexual orientation? What a sick curiosity. Besides, his earring is in the left ear.

What's your favorite jingle?

"Someone built a store just for me (Food Emporium, Food Emporium). Someone has my kind of quality. (Food Emporium, Food Emporium)." Sing that as loud as you can and you'll get a tingle in your private areas.

What's your least favorite jingle?

There are no bad jingles. They are happy, they are catchy and they cleverly include all the proper strategic elements needed to build a worldwide brand.

How many creatives can you fit into a VW Beetle?

The question shouldn't be how many creatives can ride the Beetle, but rather how many creatives can ride the coattails.

What's the most swooshes you've worn at one time?

I do not wear anything that is advertised. I resent the capitalistic whores who invade my living room and peddle their empty promises when all I want to do is enjoy my 30 minutes of Moesha.

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