QUICK CUTS

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Sit back, get naked and fire up a $12 robusto, it's time for the first Cigar Aficionado ad analysis. A breeze through the August issue indicates that cigar ads are all about, can you believe it, penile ignition! Headline for Lone Wolf cigars: "This gives guys one more thing to compare." Headline for Don Sixto: "You never forget the first time." (Pensive guy embraced by babe.) Headline for Fighting Cock cigars: "A vicious one-eyed rooster from the pit of hell." Headline for Alternativos little cigars (Fig. 1) : "When you only have time for a quickie." Tagline: "It's OK to be small." Sure. Headline for LaGianna Havana: "Relax, savor, enjoy." But the photo (Fig. 2) is a babe in a tub of cigars! Congrats to Celestino Vega, which had the good taste to keep its mind out of the gutter (Fig. 3). The cigar is a giant fish! Headline: "Too good to throw back."

The Press Release of the Month is headlined: "Introducing Diamond Coast Wines." The contact is Lori Booz. News Story of the Month (from Reuters): "A 24-year-old woman was released on bond yesterday after pleading not guilty to charges of child neglect that investigators said might have grown out of an addiction to the Internet. Sandra Hacker was jailed Sunday . . ."

Thanks to Lowe & Partners/SMS for finally taking the wind out of the sails of all those "Was Marilyn Monroe murdered?" conspiracy theories. This poster (Fig. 4) clearly indicates she was the hit and run victim of a Mercedes subcompact, driven, of course, by Ted Kennedy.

But never mind Marilyn; the Dead Celebrity Silent Spokesman of the Month is V.I. Lenin. His statue, with the fall-of-Communism rope around its neck, stars in a print campaign for RCN (Fig. 5), some kind of combo phone/ cable/internet service that's apparently trying to compete with big boys like Nynex and Time Warner. Headline: "No empire lasts forever." Maybe so, but Lenin, a Tom Selleck sans hairpiece lookalike (and they both hate the Mensheviks!), has already signed up for a vodka deal; look for him in the upcoming "To the Finlandia Station" campaign.

Please give this seat to a handicapped sideshow geek: Now here's something you don't see every day (Fig. 6), from FJC&N in Salt Lake City for the Utah Transit Authority. They hired a woman who can pop her eyes out like some kind of special effect from Scanners 4 just to illustrate the concept, "There are a lot of things in life you can't figure out; riding the bus shouldn't be one of them." Is this, like, a Mormon thing? We have a call in to Dennis Rodman. Or maybe this woman was rear-ended by Ted's tiny Merc.

And then Larry saw the knish was burning, but was not consumed by flame: Proof positive from Grey Advertising that God is a white man! A new Hebrew National spot reincarnates Ed McCabe's "Higher Authority" concept as a hot dog vendor on the boardwalk. The omniscient mustard swabber hands a free hot dog (and a free hot shiksa) to a chubby schlemiel, and God's arm snakes into the shot (Fig. 7). But, God, why hast thou forsaken us? Where's the Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray?

Schmuck, you're over the yellow line, you're gonna lose a hand: Thanks a gallon to Aquafina for this thrilling image (Fig. 8) accompanied only by the line: "Take me to the water." What's the deal, Aquafina, you fill the bottles directly from swimming pools?

We sifted through the 6,580 we received, and The Best AOL E-Mail Spam of the Month goes by the subject header: "Shocking News!!!" Highlights of the pitch: "This information could save your life!! Parasities [sic] may be eating you alive. 85 percent of North Americans have parasities [sic] living inside of them. Who's getting to your supplements first? The parasites or YOU?" And the killer testimonial: " 'I had not gotten results from other parasite cleansing products. Two days after taking Awareness Products, I passed a 7-inch tape worm!'-Ben Walburger, Colon Therpist [sic]." Really! How fast was he going, Ben?

Been complaining lately that there aren't enough graphic depictions of animals crapping in print ads? It's Pur Drinking Water Systems to the rescue with a duck with a bad case of projectile diarrhea (Fig. 9). Head- line: "To you it's a crystal clear mountain stream. To him, it's the hopper." To us it's a print ad that should be part of a series. Bears don't really shit in the woods all the

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