* ADVERTISING SECRETS FOR TODAY'S HOT TV SHOWS: The agency business's top creative minds-David Lubars, Andy Berlin, and Linda Kaplan Thaler-tell how they'd advertise on "The Sopranos," "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and "Six Feet Under." Place: phone booth, southwest corner of Madison Avenue and E. 42nd St.
* THE WORLD'S FAVORITE COUPONS: Some 80% of marketing spending now goes to below-the-line services, not media advertising. In this panel, grocers from the Kroger's, Gristede's and Shop-Rite chains discuss their best-loved deals for Tide detergent: box size, aisle display, cents-off offers, and retailer profit margin.
* CELEBRITY CHEFS COOK CELEBRITY CRITTERS: Iron Chef does the Aflac duck seven ways ... Emeril Lagasse cans Charlie Tuna ... The Jolly Green Giant shows his peas to Rocco Dispirito. (Recipes can be downloaded free from bastegeicogecko.com.)
* SITE VISITS: "MY DVR": Peeks into the homes of real New Yorkers to inspect their personal TiVo choices. A first-hand look at the non-network shows they're consuming and the commercials they're zipping.
* PLENARY SESSION: AD AGENCY TRAINING PROGRAMS: HR reps from J. Walter Thompson, BBDO and Saatchi & Saatchi discuss MBA recruiting and development. Place: that same phone booth, southwest corner of Madison and 42nd.
* WHERE YOU GONNA PUT THE CAN?: Superstar prop managers instruct account executives and creatives on the best positions for client goods in sitcoms, dramas and news programs. A creative-product-placement seminar, sponsored by Kellogg.
* "SURVIVOR: CMO": A daylong, interactive, participatory session. Former chief marketing officers from seven Global 500 companies are parachuted in to Coca-Cola headquarters to see which (if any) will outlast the average CMO tenure of 2.7 years.
* FELIX DENNIS READS POETRY: Maxim magazine's founder offers haiku and limericks. (You couldn't make this up.)
* "APPRENTICE: CREATIVE DIRECTOR": Eleven NYU students armed with digital camcorders and Apple's Final Cut Pro compete to replace the senior-most creative at Publicis.
* "SWIFT SELLING": THE NEW GUERRILLA MARKETING: John O'Neill, Karl Rove and Roger Ailes, founders of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, discuss how to get the public to believe anything about your product.
* GRAVEYARD SHIFT: A midnight session way, way downtown. Through the magic of digital video, David Ogilvy, Bill Bern- bach and Leo Burnett come alive to revel in the fact that they don't have to work in a world of 1,000 TV channels, blogs and Lucky magazine.
* MEET THE GREAT MARKETING STRATEGISTS: The best agency minds in new-product development, services innovation, and global distribution discuss the new age of branding. Place: That's some busy phone booth on Madison and 42nd!
* THE DONNY VS. THE DONALD: Deutsch and Trump offer homilies on humility.
Hurry on down! After all, who knows how long Advertising Week (or advertising, for that matter) will last?
Randall Rothenberg, an author and longtime journalist, is director of intellectual capital at consultancy Booz Allen Hamilton.