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Cannes Lions

Introducing Dumenco's Cannes Play-at-Home Edition

By Published on .

Credit: iStock, Composite by Tam Nguyen

Everybody in marketing and media is doing Cannes this year -- just like everybody did SXSW in March and everybody did CES in January, and so on.

Upward of 30,000 guests are expected to crowd the Côte d'Azur for what's properly known as the Cannes Lions International Festival of Creativity, which means that, uh [taps spastically at calculator keypad, Colbert-style], yes, 100% of the marketing and media world -- plus or minus 99% -- will be attending.

Except me. I'm sitting out Cannes this year, but I'm determined to not miss out. That's why I've developed the revolutionary new Cannes Play-at-Home Edition, which is designed to allow me to indulge in the Cannes experience from the comfort and sanity (and cheapness) of my own apartment. Even better, the Cannes Play-at-Home Edition has a social media activation that will make it seem like I'm at Cannes without ever explicitly stating that I'm in the South of France (i.e., I won't technically be lying).

Since I know you're going to Cannes for real -- because everybody is going to Cannes -- you won't need the Cannes Play-at-Home Edition. But just in case, FYI:

1. I'm setting up a big display of awesome creative campaigns in a corner of my apartment to approximate the basement exhibit of work at the Palais. And then -- this is key -- I will not go anywhere near that display. No one will.

2. On Sunday, June 18, I plan to tweet:

Finally here! This weather, wow, amiright?

3. On Monday, I'll glance at this picture ...

And then I'm going to tweet:

I think I just saw Ryan Seacrest. What's he doing here?

Late morning, after buying an overpriced baguette (from Whole Foods), I'll Instagram a photo of it jauntily positioned next to an overpriced espresso (available wherever espresso is sold), having poured it from its paper cup into a tiny bistro glass. Hashtags: #PetitDejeunerOfChampions #TheCoteLife

4. Every day I'll look at this photo. And I'll tell myself: I have to make time to hit the beach -- not counting Facebook Beach. And then, the entire week, I won't make it to the beach.

At some point, I'll also tweet:

Anybody know where the 'Attractive Women Only' VaynerMedia party is this year? #AttractiveWomanHere #ReadyToParty

5. A Tuesday tweet:

It always surprises me how small Sir Martin Sorrell is. #pocketmogul

Also, I'll retweet some tweets about the Cannes Lions Cyber awards from that night's ceremony, and tweet this myself:

As far as the cyber, we should be better than anybody else, and perhaps we're not. #MakeCannesGreatAgain

And this:

I mean, it could be Russia, but it could also be China. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, okay? #CannesCyber

6. A Wednesday tweet:

Already too much rosé. Make it stop #justsaynosé

And:

Wow, the Chinese are out in force this year.

7. On Thursday, I will have drinks with someone I never see who, like me, lives in New York City. I'll choose someone who works literally three blocks away from me. And then I'll make a point of not seeing them again until June 2018.

Also, I'll glance at that Seacrest photo another time. And I'll tweet:

Ryan Seacrest AGAIN?

I'll also tweet:

I am SO fatigué.

8. On Friday, after the Creative Effectiveness awards ceremony, I'll tweet:

I wish every Lion celebrated creative effectiveness. #TooMuchToAsk?

I'll also tweet:

So much work this year that positively impacts not only brands, but also the world at large. #inspired #blessed

9. Saturday morning, I'll tweet:

#readytogohomealready #TakeMeAwayUberCopter

Saturday evening after the last awards ceremony, I'll tweet this and wait to see how many people assume I'm tweeting about them:

#CONGRATS!!! #TeamAwesome #WellDeserved #BrilliantWork #Cannes

(If David Droga doesn't at least favorite my tweet, I'll consider it a fail.)

10. On Sunday, I'll go silent. On Monday, I'll tweet:

#OverTooSoon #MissingFrance #TuMeManques #inspired #blessed #grateful

Simon Dumenco, aka Media Guy, is an Ad Age editor-at-large. You can follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.

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