WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

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Spud Dud

The ad: This flatulent sacrilege for Hormel turkey chili, tagged "Have an out-of-bowl experience." The prize: A free perpetual-care site at Pine Lawn. The verdict: "Out of bowl" means either "toilet bowl" or "out of bowel," they just dropped a letter. Thank you to the four million loyal readers who boldly suggested one or both of these. Now go have a Kaopectate malted and get back to work, the lot of you.

This ad cashes in on our fragile human fears of that most dreaded millennial specter, the Three Tubers of the Apocalypse.

Tom Wirt

tom@qm.lmato.com

Death rides a pale potato. You're right, it's almost as terrifying as those damn M&M's.

. . . those celestial spuds are more than likely diarrhea-induced hallucinations.

Michael Mize

mmize@topeka.cjnetworks.com

Hence the phrase, "Hey, man, this is some really good shit."

Those aren't flying chili-potato angels. They're the really spectacular poops one gets after consuming . . .

Sheldon Clay

sclay@clynch.com

Sheldon, go play with your Mr. Hankey doll!

Those aren't potatoes. Those are pigeons (actually only one pigeon, duplicated -- lazy bastards). Hormel caught hell for the whole pigeon recipe, so at the last minute they decided to call them potatoes.

Derek Littlefield

dlittlefield@luckie.net

The damn Audubon Society. When will they stop meddling? A pigeon is really nothing more than a potato with wings, and we say bake 'em all and sell 'em as McBirdies.

These are N'Calle N'Doo-Doo, the legendary Flying Turds of Botswana. They hold a place in Botswanian folklore similar to El . . .

James Frankel

jfrankel@dmbb.com

Stop right there, James, you think we were born yesterday? We know the story about how they wheeled out the giant fan, so save it for the little boy's room!

This is the first ad in a series that Hormel is doing with Always pantyliners with wings.

Kara Clapp

stratmrktg@aol.com

Yeah, and they also have a line of extra-calcium chili with Depends.

This ad drives deep into areas best left to Freud . . . what is the proper course of action when overcome by the inevitable result of legume consumption?

Peter Szollosi

pszollosi@ablenetworks.com

We don't think Freud addressed this issue, but according to Procter & Gamble, you should eat a bag of Olestra chips to "come down."

Notice any similarities between the three potatoes? This is just more evidence that Jesus clones food. Need I remind you of the fish and loaves thing?

Misi Woolard

misi_woolard@mccom.com

No, you needn't, we have a tuna sandwich in our briefcase. But you're right. And it's Pat Robertson who came up with the line, "Two for me, none for you."

What we don't see in this ad are the hordes of departed human souls floating heavenward right behind these potatoes. We don't see them because they are green and ghastly, having died of botulism from these obviously underwashed potato skins.

Susan Conklin

sconklin@vinton.com

Sue, will you lighten up? Are you one of those people who needs a Black & Decker Buffmaster to polish an apple?

This ad is a mixed baggie of drug references, ranging from the explicit -- "baked" and "experience" (Hendrix) -- to the subtle, THC (Turkey Hormel Chili) . . . Why don't they just come out and say it: Hormel chili will feed the need when you've smoked all of your dope.

Richard Bronshvag

richard_bronshvag@ce-p.com

Uh-oh. Did you say "Feed the need"? You've stolen that canned ravioli slogan, man. That kid in the tree who eats it cold is coming after you.

Why three potatoes? Is this one of those subliminal ads referencing the Trinity? Is Hormel actually appealing to the Born Again community to eat more processed canned meat? Will they have an interactive version of this ad for the Internet where the potatoes actually fly to the light?

Alan B. Rosenfeld

alan@smavid.com

So we guess you could say those online Born Agains are gonna get a lot of Spam. That joke is your fault, Al, it was your damn setup!

Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more likely you are to induce the complete shutdown of delicate gastrointestinal processes, which, according to Newton's Third Law of Motion, will violently catapult you into the heavens on a column of flaming methane, screaming, "I can see my house from heeeeere."

Jason Steinberg

jasons@fitzco.com

First Freud, now Newton. We attract such an intellectual crowd!

This is clearly a case of a mixed metaphor of the Field of Dreams variety. When asked "Is this heaven?" Costner replies something like, "No, it's Iowa." Iowa, Idaho -- what's the difference, really?

Tammy Duker

Tammy_duker@ny.hodes.com

Beyond the fact that after The Postman Costner no longer cares what state he's in, we have no idea what you're talking about, Tammy.

This is part of the Devil's master plan to make us believe Heaven is where good people suffer an eternity of gas pains. No, Satan, we will not believe you. Everybody knows you can't get chili in Heaven, only veggie burgers!

Mark Zukor

mzukor@pcisys.net

Yeah, ever since St. PETA took over. Ka-bing! You made us do that, Mark! Do you know Al?

Obviously, what the ad is trying to say is that when you eat Hormel chili (turkey with beans) you will feel like you've died and gone to heaven. Also, their tag is referring to the flying potatoes, showing that chili doesn't always have to be eaten in a bowl.

Sandy Schedin

sschedin@ccworks.com

Sandy, you animal! You're outta control! You win! We see you're writing from Crystal Cabinet Works. A meth factory? Seventy-two hours of sleep will put your head back on straight, so just settle down in your Pine Lawn plot and mellow. But when you wake up we've got a homeless man who's gonna move in, so don't get too comfortable.This Month's Contest

Win a pot of coffee brewed by JoJo Starbuck!

Those exciting Winter Games are gone and forgotten, but who can ever forget this ad? The copy: "Every time you make a purchase with your Visa card, Visa will make a donation to help the 1998 U.S. Olympic Team hopefuls." You can bet we ran right out and racked up some fresh credit card debt so Michelle Kwan could get some more sequins. The headline: "The U.S. figure skaters rely on grace, agility and Stan's new stainless steel blades." Huh? Stan? We scratched our noggin, but we don't know. Blow for the Gold at creativitymag@sprintmail.com. Contest not