WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

Published on .

So for great sex gant assumes that their shirt has taken the coveted place of the illustrious sock?

Kelly Johnson

kjohnson@fsadv.com

One letter and already we've got a pervert!

Gant is the slang term that Priscilla Presley created when she referred to the body odor that seeped under the collar of Elvis' shirts when he wore them folded up. Nowadays we call it musk.

Kevin Fitts

gfjonesinc@aol.com

This is a very intriguing theory, Kev, but how do you wear a shirt folded up?

If great sex is definitely Gant, then is great oral sex Gap?

James Wintraub

jwintraub@cohn-wells.com

Ask Letterman. Great solo sex is surely Izod, the sock notwithstanding. You just know those Izod guys aren't gettin' any.

They've got it all wrong, losing the shirt is the upside. The downside is when the woman you thought looked like Cindy Crawford the night before (with several shots of tequila in your system) really looks like Broderick Crawford the next morning.

Vincent Travisano

vtravisano@jerrynet.com

It only took "several" shots of tequila to get you in bed with a veritable bulldog? What happens when you eat the worm, Vince?

Gant is just a ploy to keep our good shirts. You have to remember to put one in the front of your closet before your tramp comes over. The little whore will take it, not knowing it is a replica of a good shirt.

Clayton Ruebensaal

cruebensaal@mezzbrown.com

My, aren't we bitter, Clayton. Had several tequilas recently?

It's the floozy-one-night-stand-sex-kitten-kleptomaniac stereotype. The ad claims it's only those sex kittens who "stay for breakfast" that are the kleptos (backed by the Yale study demonstrating strong correlations between the consumption of link sausage and incidents of petty larceny), but that's just a weak cop-out.

Kyle Curtis

kcurtis@boncom.com

Yes indeed, Kyle. In fact, the kid who yelled, "More Park's sausages, Mom! Please?" was later arrested for shoplifting.

I thought the downside was female guests staying for breakfast.

Mike Vaughn

mike.vaughn@jwalter.com

Mike, were you out drinking with Vince?

What I want to see is the guy coming into the corner deli for bagels wearing what she had on last night: the ecru chiffon blouse with a frothy cascade of lace at wrists and throat and tiny pearl buttons straining across his manly chest.

Marybeth Highton

mhighton@norfolk.infi.net

Why do you want to see this, Marybeth? Have you ever fixed Marv Albert's fax machine?

It's a takeoff on the standard, "That's a nice shirt; bet it would look better rumpled up in the corner of my bedroom," pickup line. Unfortunately, what the poor girl finally realized is this guy probably has a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, etc. What kind of bachelor has white sheets with a white comforter?

Rod Shelton

rod@flyingspot.com

The kind of bachelor who uses that pickup line. And what's the etc.? We're intrigued.

What else is she going to wear? That's Marv Albert in the background putting on her skirt and panties. By the way, can Abe's Fold 'n' Press get blood stains out of a top hat?

Brandon Walters

pawformers@aol.com

Only if it's Type Oy. And only one Marv joke to a page, please. As for "pawformers," we're wondering: Do you have white sheets?

This ad is clearly the subconscious ramblings of a bitter, divorced man who is suggesting that his former wife came into the relationship bringing nothing but her body . . . she took all of his cool stuff, leaving him a broken and bitter man whose personal life bubbles over into his professional life.

Fred Peer

fred_peer@hsedallas.com

We're so sorry, Fred.

This should read, "Great sex is definitely bent." This is really an ad for a mattress. This guy needs a new lovemat because his lady friend's back is so bent from lying on his crummy mattress.

Denise Schoengold

dschoeng@nyx.net

Wrong, Denise. "Great sex is definitely bent" is what Clinton said to Paula Jones, and only Astroturf is required when Bubba gets down.

Yeah, it's true. Women actually do scope out Gant wearers. Recently, I spent half the night working a guy who was actually sporting a Today's Man poly blend! Luckily, I made it to the nearest Friday's before the bar closed and found my Gant for great sex all night. Phew.

Christina Papale

christinap@leehunt.com

That was us in the Today's Man, Christina, our chiffon blouse was at Abe's. Yeah, you worked us, all right. We're still paying off that bar tab you ran up. We're glad you found your Gant guy and we hope you drink the shirt off his back.

She: was it my fault? Doesn't he find me attractive? He: Ashamed, consoling himself that it happens to all guys, sometimes. In the aftermath of a would-be sexual encounter that never happened, there is only food. As one of the children observed to Alyosha Karamazov near the end of that really thick book by Dostoyevski, "All this sorrow, and now pancakes."

Geoff Rogers

grogers@gstis.net

Excellent point, Geoff, but we prefer the Constance Garnett translation: "All this grief, and now link sausages."

Now we know that guys who have female guests for breakfast are devoid of good shirts. What about us chumps who before we saw this ad were devoid of good sex? Well, apparently we should be humping shirts.

Jimmy Gilmore

jgilmore@gstis.net

Haven't you ever heard of the illustrious sock, Jimmy? And if you'd stop wearing Izod you could at least wake up next to Broderick Crawford.

OK, the guy took her home but he's no longer in the picture because he's lousy in bed. So she had sex with the shirt. The shirt knows it's a stud because its collar is up and it's striking a pose. Now she's looking in the mirror and thinking, I can't live without him, I never had it so good. We must run away together.

Gina Cruz

sweeteez66@aol.com

Gina, you win. We love your name, we love your screen name and we're nuts about your AOL member profile. "Hobbies: scuba, travel, latin dancing, karate, skiing, dining out, art, films, weekend getaways." God, you must be fun! We don't do any of these things. "Personal Quote: Life is half spent before we know what it is." So is our salary. That's why we don't do any of these things. By the way, the homeless man who got your year's free dry cleaning is looking forward to enjoying his prize as soon as he finds a change of clothes.

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