One letter and already we've got a pervert!
Gant is the slang term that Priscilla Presley created when she referred to the body odor that seeped under the collar of Elvis' shirts when he wore them folded up. Nowadays we call it musk.
This is a very intriguing theory, Kev, but how do you wear a shirt folded up?
If great sex is definitely Gant, then is great oral sex Gap?
Ask Letterman. Great solo sex is surely Izod, the sock notwithstanding. You just know those Izod guys aren't gettin' any.
They've got it all wrong, losing the shirt is the upside. The downside is when the woman you thought looked like Cindy Crawford the night before (with several shots of tequila in your system) really looks like Broderick Crawford the next morning.
It only took "several" shots of tequila to get you in bed with a veritable bulldog? What happens when you eat the worm, Vince?
Gant is just a ploy to keep our good shirts. You have to remember to put one in the front of your closet before your tramp comes over. The little whore will take it, not knowing it is a replica of a good shirt.
My, aren't we bitter, Clayton. Had several tequilas recently?
It's the floozy-one-night-stand-sex-kitten-kleptomaniac stereotype. The ad claims it's only those sex kittens who "stay for breakfast" that are the kleptos (backed by the Yale study demonstrating strong correlations between the consumption of link sausage and incidents of petty larceny), but that's just a weak cop-out.
Yes indeed, Kyle. In fact, the kid who yelled, "More Park's sausages, Mom! Please?" was later arrested for shoplifting.
I thought the downside was female guests staying for breakfast.
Mike, were you out drinking with Vince?
What I want to see is the guy coming into the corner deli for bagels wearing what she had on last night: the ecru chiffon blouse with a frothy cascade of lace at wrists and throat and tiny pearl buttons straining across his manly chest.
Why do you want to see this, Marybeth? Have you ever fixed Marv Albert's fax machine?
It's a takeoff on the standard, "That's a nice shirt; bet it would look better rumpled up in the corner of my bedroom," pickup line. Unfortunately, what the poor girl finally realized is this guy probably has a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, etc. What kind of bachelor has white sheets with a white comforter?
The kind of bachelor who uses that pickup line. And what's the etc.? We're intrigued.
What else is she going to wear? That's Marv Albert in the background putting on her skirt and panties. By the way, can Abe's Fold 'n' Press get blood stains out of a top hat?
Only if it's Type Oy. And only one Marv joke to a page, please. As for "pawformers," we're wondering: Do you have white sheets?
This ad is clearly the subconscious ramblings of a bitter, divorced man who is suggesting that his former wife came into the relationship bringing nothing but her body . . . she took all of his cool stuff, leaving him a broken and bitter man whose personal life bubbles over into his professional life.
We're so sorry, Fred.
This should read, "Great sex is definitely bent." This is really an ad for a mattress. This guy needs a new lovemat because his lady friend's back is so bent from lying on his crummy mattress.
Wrong, Denise. "Great sex is definitely bent" is what Clinton said to Paula Jones, and only Astroturf is required when Bubba gets down.
Yeah, it's true. Women actually do scope out Gant wearers. Recently, I spent half the night working a guy who was actually sporting a Today's Man poly blend! Luckily, I made it to the nearest Friday's before the bar closed and found my Gant for great sex all night. Phew.
That was us in the Today's Man, Christina, our chiffon blouse was at Abe's. Yeah, you worked us, all right. We're still paying off that bar tab you ran up. We're glad you found your Gant guy and we hope you drink the shirt off his back.
She: was it my fault? Doesn't he find me attractive? He: Ashamed, consoling himself that it happens to all guys, sometimes. In the aftermath of a would-be sexual encounter that never happened, there is only food. As one of the children observed to Alyosha Karamazov near the end of that really thick book by Dostoyevski, "All this sorrow, and now pancakes."
Excellent point, Geoff, but we prefer the Constance Garnett translation: "All this grief, and now link sausages."
Now we know that guys who have female guests for breakfast are devoid of good shirts. What about us chumps who before we saw this ad were devoid of good sex? Well, apparently we should be humping shirts.
Haven't you ever heard of the illustrious sock, Jimmy? And if you'd stop wearing Izod you could at least wake up next to Broderick Crawford.
OK, the guy took her home but he's no longer in the picture because he's lousy in bed. So she had sex with the shirt. The shirt knows it's a stud because its collar is up and it's striking a pose. Now she's looking in the mirror and thinking, I can't live without him, I never had it so good. We must run away together.
Gina, you win. We love your name, we love your screen name and we're nuts about your AOL member profile. "Hobbies: scuba, travel, latin dancing, karate, skiing, dining out, art, films, weekend getaways." God, you must be fun! We don't do any of these things. "Personal Quote: Life is half spent before we know what it is." So is our salary. That's why we don't do any of these things. By the way, the homeless man who got your year's free dry cleaning is looking forward to enjoying his prize as soon as he finds a change of clothes.
THIS MONTH'S CONTEST
Win a free perpetual-care site at pine lawn!
This is a real ad, we swear we didn't make it in Photoshop. The copy: "Most visions of the afterlife feature departed souls being greeted by angels. However, some people have reported being led into heaven by delicious, irresistible, potatoes topped with Hormel chili." The tag: "Have an out-of-bowl experience." We're inclined to chalk this up to an act of God, though any secular explanation will be appreciated. Please note our new e-mail address: firstname.lastname@example.org. Contest not open to reform rabbis or Idaho