What the Hell is Going on Here?

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The prize: A whoopee cushion made from the brain of Whoopi Goldberg. The ad: This bit of a posterior reasoning for Risk. The verdict: Uranus jokes, crack jokes, holes-in-the-ozone-layer jokes and enough lewd Jennifer Lopez suggestions to burst her Daisy Dukes.

How sad. It appears the crack epidemic has now reached worldwide proportions.

Matt Inconiglios, inc@nexternal.com

Matt, how sad you couldn't create an ad to go with the image. But we're running your entry anyway, since it's the best `crack' joke we got.

Head: "Put yourself where the sun don't shine." Body: "This year, why not vacation in Antarctica, where the nights are six months long. Send for your full information kit today from the South Pole Chamber Pot of Commerce. As we like to say, `You can see Admiral Byrd from here!' "

Conor Maher, conor@tanendirected.com

The Chamber Pot of Commerce, huh, Conor? Did you think that up while eating pie ... la commode? Well, at least you wrote an ad.

The mating game goes global with Tushseekers Travel. "When exploring new hemisrears is on your itinerary."

Christy Parker, cparker@alstin.com

Christy, this is so awful, we had to go to Ireland to breathe some Derry air.

And everyone thought Jennifer Lopez had the biggest butt in the world.

Salvatore Barone, sal_barone@yahoo.com

Sal, this is a common misconception, especially among our filthy-minded readers. Not only does Puff Mommy not have the most colossal caboose in the railyard, she hasn't even got the biggest backrack among showbiz Latinas. Do you happen to recall Iris Chacon from the glory days of Spanish UHF? A family of five is living in her butt in a duplex apartment. By contrast, all La Lopez can offer is a cell.

Once again at the cosmic New Year's party, Uranus gets tight and does its boring Earth impressions all night long.

Craig Morgan, craig.morgan@sagemarcom.com

By the moons of Jupiter, Craig, this is far and away the cleverest of the Uranus entries.

P.S. Quit making fun of my name.

Thor Rosenquist, thor@sgrp.com

Thor, we hated your entry but we loved your P.S. Sorry, we can't help the name thing. Loki's making us do it.

This image finally explains the disappearance of Amelia Earhart.

Frank Ippolito, fippolit@c-k.com

Not to mention Jimmy Hoffa and all those uncounted Florida ballots.

Who was the model for this tush? Only one person possesses the buttocks worthy of this global pedestal: Madeleine Albright! (I never forget a face.)

Julia Laricheva, xximportxx@hotmail.com

You can't be right, Julia. If avenging Albright had anything to do with this globe, where are all the bomb craters?

Suzanne Somers says: "The world loves ButtMaster 3000!! Ass for it by name!"

Chris Harrison, chrisharrison@bestbuy.com

Chris, we ran your friggin' entry. Where's the Sony Wega?

George W. reveals just one of the ways he plans to cut the budget: merging geography and sex education.

Douglas Dauzier, dauzier@inch.com

That would explain why he uses Grecian Formula as a lubricant.

This has to be a corporate ad for the newest global advertising holding company: The Anus Group.

Charley Brough, cbrough@meridiancomm.com

Charley, you're confusing this with True South.

Kiss my Antarctica.

Tina Sederty, tinased@yahoo.com

Tina, you saucy wench! And we thought Big Pun was dead. You win, because your name sounds like Tina so dirty. So you can have Whoopi Goldberg's brain. With repartee like this, you can even have her seat on Hollywood Squares.

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