87 'QUEER EYE' '03's "The Osbournes." Sew up those spin-off deals quick-like-a-bunny, lest you stagger off into the sunset like Ozzy on a bucketful of pills.
86 BEING 'HOSPITALIZED FOR EXHAUSTION': Why has this gossip column-ism stuck around forever? Because there ain't none better.
84 SHOPPING MAGAZINES: Lucky and by the end of '04 there will be . . . four. Who says the mag world steals all of its ideas!
82 THE BLOGOSPHERE: Out-snarked by sleep-deprived Web denizens? If you're New York mag or the New York Observer, you hire 'em!
79 NIELSEN'S MISSING MEN: Four words: video games, Web porn." Four more: "They ain't coming back."
75 Friendster: Because there aren't enough places to procrastinate on the Web.
70 MEDIA-CHAMPAGNE INDEX: The pre-Christmas count of Fancy Beverage swag (three bottles thus far) is, oh, twice as high as last year's. Cheers!
68 JOURNALISTIC SHAME: Howell Raines out at The Times. Jayson Blair lands signifcant book deal. Plagiarism mini-scandals. Headline: "We suck! Read all about it!"
59 PARIS HILTON: Impossible to avoid, despite having actually done nothing. Remember when gravitas was supposed to reign post-Sept. 11?
50 DAD-ROCK: "Rock" gets so big it inspires indie magazine Tracks. The most lukewarm rating for the most lukewarm subgenre!
48 BONNIE FULLER and DAVID PECKER: Fulcrum of American Media's bid for top-shelf success but also friction point of the entire operation. Which way will it go?
42 AOL TURNAROUND: The top brass promises growth. But the jury's still out on whether users stick with 'em. They bought themselves time; now to deliver.
38 COOLHUNTERS/TRENDSPOTTERS: It's only five minutes before some hipster kid convinces one of 'em that chinstrap beards are the Next Big Thing.
35 SEQUEL SORROW: "Charlie's Angels" and "Matrix" sequels disappoint. Hollywood thrown into panic at prospect of having to come up with new ideas, like, every year.
27 NU-METAL: Korn and Limp Bizkit's long-awaited latest fizzle; has one of the '90s sure-thing subgenres finally run its course?
24 MICHAEL POWELL: Howls from the grassroots blindside his plans to give the conglomerates what they want.
12 MUSIC INDUSTRY: Sues bewildered customer base over illegal downloads. Now that's what we call a marketing strategy!
5 CONRAD BLACK: Reaps whirlwind. Media feast on Hollinger head's alleged misdealings; Lord Black refuses to utter a peep of apology.
0 CELEBRITY: Martha who? Rosie what? Chrysler in Celine denial. Silver lining: No mag for Dr. Phil in '04.