Dear Britney: Your new vid is OK, but it hardly lives up to its title. Great editing and effects won't carry you when your dizzle ain't got enough sizzle. The Jetsons stewardess getup is nice, and humiliating middle-aged schlubs is always fun, but, as America's budding porn treasure, you're just going to have to do more. The tacky Flashdance shtick in the clip really isn't cutting it; why don't you make a sex vid already, like that nice Paris Hilton? Look at all the success she had with hers, and she's a hockey stick with hair compared to you. And now over-the-hill Janet has a solar nipple medallion the size of a luxury SUV hood ornament on every computer screen in the world and all you've got is 55 hours in Vegas with some kid from the boondocks. Why not hook up with the real Jason Alexander for a couple days and have the whole thing videotaped? You're so good at humiliating middle-aged schlubs, it should be a bucket o' thighs.
Director: Joseph Kahn, HSI
Editor: David Blackburn
Effects: Bert Yukich, Chroma
The amazing Floria Sigismondi strikes again. Cutout animation, flying Hitlers galore, file footage of Stalin and Mussolini, faux file footage of abysmal families drinking oil, mock-doc shots of the band and assorted holy rollers, all blended into a seamless thing of beauty, and even the song is good. It's apparently an antifascist blow against cults of personality-the chorus is, "You're no Jesus, you're no Elvis-apologies to the King for not getting top billing here-but Sigismondi's cult of video personality is entirely justified.
Director: Floria Sigismondi, Revolver Film Co.
Editor: Tony Hall, Stardust
Crystal Method, "Born Too Slow"
Gore Verbinski makes a music vid, based not on a theme park ride but on Edward Muybridge's studies of motion photography. In the clip, the Muybridge Man, wearing nothing but a jockstrap, walks around L.A., buildings pulsating behind him like woofers. That's about all he does, till he meets another Muybridge man. They have a brief fight, which ends with Muybridge 2 getting kicked in the nuts, but, after a short coma, this only inspires him to dance for joy. It doesn't sound like much, but the Muybridge Man, finessed by the effects wizards at Method, has an endearing raster-like quality, and the song, driven by a slide guitar riff, makes for a propulsively pleasant effects background.
Director: Gore Verbinski, Anonymous Content
Editor: Lance Pereira, Chrome