The $150 Billion Tech Offering That Will Dwarf the Groupon, Facebook IPOs

New Goldman Sachs Investment Vehicle Could Revolutionize Further Enriching of the Insanely Rich

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Simon Dumenco
Simon Dumenco

These are heady times in the world of high-tech investing. For starters, group-buying service Groupon recently spurned a reported $6 billion acquisition offer from Google, instead taking in a fresh round of private capital and moving toward an initial public offering that would value the startup at $15 billion. And Goldman Sachs was, embarrassingly, forced to bar American investors (for fear of running afoul of the SEC) from participating in its controversial "special purpose vehicle" that will allow wealthy clients to invest in not-yet-public Facebook (newly valued at $50 billion).

But both offerings are likely to be dwarfed by the hotly anticipated Groupface private IPO. I'm hearing numbers in the $145 billion to $150 billion range. I'm also able to exclusively share with you excerpts from the highly confidential prospectus, which a Goldman Sachs client discreetly faxed to me late last night (which is particularly odd, because I don't even have a fax machine anymore).

Groupface: A Prospectus
Groupface is a Very, Very Special Special Purpose Vehicle (VVSSPV) that merges cutting-edge social-media and deal-distribution technologies with innovative Wall Street investment instruments.

Though the VVSSPV, qualified high-net-worth investors will be invited to subscribe to a "daily investment deal" email newsletter that will facilitate exclusive access to heavily discounted derivative offerings of collateralized foreign-equity portfolios that are privately invested in Facebook, Groupon, Twitter and selected other companies that have yet to go public.

Selection criteria for potential investors in the VVSSPV shall include, but may not be limited to, Facebook friendship with one or more of the following: Lloyd Blankfein (Goldman Sachs); Andrew Mason (Groupon); Yuri Milner (Digital Sky Technologies); Montgomery Burns (Springfield Nuclear Power); Justin Bieber, Biz Stone and Evan Williams (Twitter); and Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook).

Before deciding to invest in Groupface, you should carefully consider the risk factors listed below.

  • Facebook, Groupon and Twitter may never go public -- not only to avoid the burden of SEC oversight, but to prevent equity from falling into the hands of INWI (Inadequate Net-Worth Individuals). In such a situation, Goldman Sachs may recollateralize decollaterized VVSSPVs and rebundle them as CIIUSSPVs (Cayman Islands-Incorporated Unbelievably Special Special Purpose Vehicles).
  • The "daily investment deal" opportunity must "tip" -- meaning a sufficient number of investors must agree to invest in it before anybody gets to invest it in.
  • A "daily investment deal" that tips too far could topple over, fall to the ground and rattle loudly, attracting the unwanted attention of the SEC.
  • Daily investment deals that do fall to the ground shall be subject to the "five-second rule." After five seconds, Yuri Milner automatically gets to keep them.
  • Groupface faces significant competition to our offering, which we expect will continue to intensify, but we do anticipate that we will be able to maintain our competitive position and market share because, well, Goldman Sachs, beaches!
    Simon Dumenco is the "Media Guy" media columnist for Advertising Age. You can follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.

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