Brand Suri: TomKat Spawn Tells All in Exclusive Q&A!

Media Guy Gets All the Juicy Details

By Published on .

It's come to this: We've reached a point in the culture at which it's deeply suspicious if celebrities don't immediately market their offspring. Since the Hollywood machine tends to think of babies much like handbags -- if you've got a great new one, why not show it off it for the paparazzi? -- we've had to contend lately with the Baby Suri Mystery. Namely, why haven't we seen any photos of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' baby? It's become an absurd ongoing non-news nonstory, ricocheting around the world:
Suri worldwide photo exclusive, sort of.
Suri worldwide photo exclusive, sort of. Credit: Caroline Schiff

"Conspiracy theories abound in the tabloid press and on blogs about why baby Suri hasn't been seen. Some even speculate that the baby doesn't exist at all." -- China Daily

But it's not just blogs and tabs: A "Suri Sighting" recently hit the AP wire, with the "story" taking up theoretically valuable space in the likes of The Washington Post. Of course, given that the sighting was by a fellow Scientologist friend of Tom and Katie, gossips were hardly mollified.

Well, I am. Because last week, thanks to some fortuitous circumstances -- I'm good friends with a good friend of Stewie Griffin (the baby from "Family Guy"), who has been "linked" with Suri -- I was able to land the worldwide exclusive first interview with TomKat's kid.

Media Guy: So you exist?

Suri: Yes, yes, I exist! If you were here right now and could smell my diaper pail, trust me, you would not be questioning my existence!

MG: We're conducting this interview by phone, so how do I know you're not like JT Leroy, the truck-stop-hustler literary wunderkind who was revealed earlier this year to be a hoax -- the creation of a 30-something San Francisco woman?

Suri: First of all, I've read JT's books and I think they stand up as literature regardless of the particularities of authorship. I mean, "The Heart is Deceitful" is no "Dianetics," but --

MG: Wait, you've read JT Leroy? It's amazing enough that you can already talk, but you can read, too? You're not even 1 yet!

Suri: Scientology preschool -- totally awesome. Makes the Montessori Method seem like "Romper Room." The truth is, a lot of people gravitate toward the church for the seminars, the training, the schooling. Well, and for the racing.

MG: The racing?

Suri: You missed the news about Scientology sponsoring the "Ignite Your Potential" Nascar team?

MG: Oh, right, I did hear about that. [For those who think Suri is making this up, visit dianeticsracing.com.] I suppose branding is everything these days. Speaking of which, I hear you've been deluged with endorsement offers.

Suri: Yeah, and so many of them are so totally wrong for me. Marketers really seem to think of me as some sort of extension of the so-called TomKat brand. Now, I love Mummy and Da-Da, but it's really important for me to help people understand that I'm my own person. I'm also trying to move beyond the whole cute-baby thing. Just turned down a lucrative offer for the Suri Snugli, in fact. With all due respect, I don't need Brand Suri to be associated with getting hauled around like a sack of potatoes. Oh, and something called Suri S'wipes. Right! Like I want to be associated with ass-wiping!

MG: What products would you endorse?

Suri: I dunno, denim? A premium vodka? And maybe this new "Where's Suri?" series my people have been talking to ReganBooks about. It's "Where's Waldo?" for the Gawker Generation.

MG: Um ... OK. Anyway, it must be weird for you to be subject to the branding that your parents' taste and lifestyle impose on you. Not only the Scientology stuff, but, for instance, check out this gossip-column item by Marc Malkin, from TV's "The Insider": "Baby Suri alert! I'm told Katie Holmes called the La La Ling children's boutique in L.A. to order a $112 zebra rocker for Suri."

Suri: Oh, see, now that's hilarious! That wasn't for me, it's for Da-da! Da-da loves that rocker! He and I are just about the same size, you know. That's the real reason why you don't see Mr. Tom Cruise, movie star, lugging me around town: He'd snap in half! I mean, you've seen him photographed standing next to Mummy. He's a wee man!

MG: Right, right. Well, speaking of wee men, can you tell me a bit about your relationship with Stewie Griffin? Just friends? Something more?

Suri: You know, I'd love to keep chatting, but look at the time! I'm overdue for a nap! Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

~ ~ ~ E-mail: dumenco@gmail.com
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