Q: What might NBC's "Today" do with the extra hour the network reportedly wants to tack on to its existing three hours?
Jell-O-wrestling matches between Meredith Vieira and new regular guest Star Jones. And then Star Jones could spend time talking about anything and everything -- except how she lost all that weight. And Matt Lauer could spend time not talking about his hair. And Meredith Vieira could also not talk about Matt's hair. And then, while Al Roker is talking about how he lost all that weight, Matt and Meredith could ask him to pipe down. Voila: That's the fourth hour. Call it a day!
Q: Playboy empire founder Hugh Hefner was rumored to have suffered a mini-stroke at a recent Playboy Mansion lingerie party, but his flack denied it. What's the real story?
Oh, he had a stroke all right, but it wasn't mini, and he didn't administer it himself. He also didn't administer the whipped cream -- or the Bengay afterwards.
Q: How will Wenner Media be able to pay $300 million to buy out Disney's share of its Us Weekly?
Lots of incremental belt-tightening at the House That Rolling Stone Built (and Us Weekly Renovated). For example, Jann Wenner will give only four stars (instead of five) in RS to the next solo release from his buddy Mick Jagger, thus saving on ink. Also, in addition to review copies of CDs, Wenner staffers will henceforth be required to subsist on Bic pens and Post-It notes called in for "review" by interns.
Q: So in settling with the SEC over her insider-trading situation, Martha Stewart's been banned from serving as a director of a public company -- including her own -- for five years. She'll be 70 by the time that ban expires. What will she do? Just never retire?
Look, Martha will not only never retire, she'll never die -- at least not in your lifetime. She'll not only be at the funerals of fellow media moguls Sumner Redstone and Rupert Murdoch, she'll deliver a funny, touching eulogy for Radar's Maer Roshan, and she'll whip up a delicious three-bean ribollita for the wake of that Digg.com kid who BusinessWeek made its coverboy last week.
Q: How weird is it that Oprah's not coming to the 'O' magazine 'O You!' conference in October? What can attendees expect, if not Oprah herself?
Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. And, no, it's not weird that Oprah's not coming. She's too busy not making out with her BFF Gayle King.
Q: If Viacom actually follows through on its rumored interest in buying social-networking site Bebo to counter News Corp.'s much-hyped acquisition of MySpace, what other such web acquisitions can we expect next?
Not everyone can be MySpace -- or even Bebo. Look for a continuing flood of interest in social-networking sites but with increasing niche-ification. For instance, JDate is said to be interested in buying the Shlomo.com domain and turning it into social-networking site for people who hated "Braveheart" and "The Passion of the Christ."
The owners of Hoho.com ("you've reached hoho.com, a place of nothing in particular. ... hoho.com is not for sale, so stop calling from Korea.") are rumored to be close to finally selling out to Korean venture capitalists, who have plans to turn Hoho into a social-networking site for engineering students eager to trade viral videos of Korean schoolgirl porn as well as tips on where to find the best takeout kimchi and pulgoki worldwide.
Also, on a personal note, Media Guy is seeking angel-investor funding to buy the LeaveMeAlone.com domain (currently priced at $20,000 by the Afternic domain-reselling store) and turn it into an antisocial-networking site (similar to snubster.com but with absolutely no user-generated content -- in fact, no content at all). After selling the site to media grandee Steve Brill for $599,999,999.99, I plan on going to live in a van down by the river.