NEWS ITEM: Embattled Seventeen Editor in Chief Atoosa Rubenstein announces she's leaving the teen glossy, supposedly entirely of her own accord, and tells the New York Post's Keith Kelly that she's going to start some sort of teen-centered web business.
NEXT UP: Building on her brilliant decision to make recent drunk-driving arrestee Paris Hilton the December cover model for Seventeen, Atoosa announces an exciting MySpace-inspired venture designed to help impressionable teenage girls get even closer to great American icons such as Paris. Atoosa's MyStupidSluttyRichRecklessPornStarFriendSpace.com becomes a huge hit.
NEWS ITEM: Google makes further forays into master control of the "old media" ad market with its Google Audio Ads program for radio and its pilot newspaper-ad program.
NEXT UP: Using its quasi-monopoly power, Google takes control of word-of-mouth marketing by introducing Google Contextual Conversation Ads, in which your friends and colleagues are paid up to 59 cents for each sponsored message they slip into casual conversation with you.
NEWS ITEM: According to the Dow Jones Newswire, New York Times Chairman Arthur Sulzberger Jr. announced at the recent Web 2.0 conference that his paper is exploring the use of "nonprofessional journalists" on its website.
NEXT UP: The paper's nonprofessional publisher and nonprofessional journalists all sit together at the same table in the cafeteria and throw spitballs at the "professionals" (suckers!).
NEWS ITEM: According to Women's Wear Daily, Bonnie Fuller is redesigning Star magazine as a "blogazine."
NEXT UP: After the blogazine approach fails to lift newsstand sales, Star is revamped as "the first social-networking magazine," complete with blank space in the margins where "users" (formerly known as "readers") can "post" their own messages and running commentary (using a Bic pen). After that approach founders, Star is reintroduced as a "textazine," revolutionizing magazines, according to Fuller, with its "use of short text -- nouns, verbs and adjectives such as 'hot' and 'sexy' -- to provide readers with cutting-edge information on celebrity lifestyles."
NEWS ITEM: TiVo alienates fans by jacking up its fees to $19.95 a month (up from $12.95) unless subscribers sign a three-year contract.
NEXT UP: TiVo cultists gullible enough to believe that TiVo won't be driven into the ground by cheaper cable-company DVR services can sign up for the new TiVo 10-year contract for which they pay only $29.95 a month -- and get a refurbished Betamax machine thrown in for free!
NEWS ITEM: Vanity Fair Editor Graydon Carter invests in clubby New York restaurant Waverly Inn.
NEXT UP: Former laddie-mag editor and M.I.A. Huffington Post blogger Greg Gutfeld invests in a crack den. Men's Health Editor Dave Zinczenko invests in a G.N.C. (so he can get the employee discount on protein powder and creatine). Vanity Fair columnist Dominick Dunne invests in one of those newfangled memory-foam pillows, takes a long nap, sleeps through lunch and has a delicious peanut-butter-and-banana-slice sandwich with the crusts cut off around 3:30 p.m.
NEWS ITEM: After Dean Baquet is fired as editor of the Los Angeles Times for publicly disagreeing with management about newsroom cuts, Chicago Tribune Managing Editor James O'Shea takes the post.
NEXT UP: James O'Shea is fired after a business-side guy peeing next to him at an L.A. Times urinal overhears him quietly grumbling to himself about newsroom cuts. His replacement signs management's revolutionary new "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" NDA, which stipulates that management won't ask the editor if he's upset about newsroom cuts, and the editor won't ever volunteer any information about his existential misery.
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