Yes, really. Three months have somehow elapsed, which means it's time again for the quarterly Media Guy Media Studies Pop Quiz. All books and papers off your desks now!
In an onstage conversation with Advertising Age's Scott Donaton at our Media Mavens awards luncheon last week, NBC Universal digital media chief Beth Comstock called YouTube a "frienemy." What else did she reveal?
A. MySpace is "totally ghetteaux."
B. Microsoft is an "annoyasaurus."
C. Fox News chief Roger Ailes is a "fatty fatty two-by-four."
D. Facebook is "fugly."
Some say disgraced publisher/impresario Judith Regan, who had her O.J. Simpson book and TV special personally canceled by her boss, Rupert Murdoch, will have to leave News Corp. What will she do if she's forced out?
A. Collaborate with O.J. on a new book: "The O.J. Diet: How to Lose Weight in 60 Seconds or Less (as the Blood Drains Out of Your Body After I Stab You)!"
B. Collaborate with O.J. on new finger-slimming, tight-fitting, luxury leather-glove line.
C. Collaborate with mysterious "third party" (with whom she contracted to produce O.J. book and special) on new tell-all book and special titled "If I Signed It."
D. Hire uber-flak Howard Rubenstein, who will instruct her to call and personally apologize to Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
Since Larry King admitted during an interview with Roseanne Barr that he's never used the internet ("What, do you punch little buttons and things?"), what other admissions has he made?
A. He's terrified of the notion of Quilted Northern toilet paper: "Quilts are for bedding, not wiping. I'm sticking with corncobs and crumpled-up funny pages!"
B. He still uses a gasoline-powered nose-hair trimmer: "Those thingamajigs with the, whaddaya call 'em, AA batteries? Those could shake loose and get caught in your nostrils, and you could suffocate to death!"
C. The suspenders aren't for his pants: "They keep my legs from falling off."
D. He once bathed with his grandson's iPod: "I thought it was a bar of soap."
Google announced last week it was shutting down its Google Answers service. What questions might now, tragically, never be answered?
A. Who the hell actually bought Kevin Federline's hip-hop CD?
B. Does this mole look OK to you?
C. Got 20 bucks I could borrow?
D. Could Jesus beat Santa Claus on the Wii version of "The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess"?
Speaking of Wii, why is the new Nintendo gaming unit so popular?
A: Moderate aerobic exercise afforded by waving around motion-activated controller means hard-core gamers can now upgrade to Pizza Hut's Full House XL Pizza without going from very, very fat to clinically obese.
B. Microsoft didn't make it.
C. Celebrity endorsements from both Jesus and Santa Claus.
D. Extra "i" no extra charge.
Some media operations, including NBC News -- as first announced by Matt Lauer -- have recently decided it's finally OK to call the situation in Iraq a "civil war." What else is newly okay?
A. Upgrading "Vietnam Scuffle" to "Vietnam Kerfuffle."
B. Changing "Operation Iraqi Freedom" to "Operation Iraqi Immolation."
C. Calling disgraced former New York Times reporter Judith Miller a "war criminal."
D. Describing what's going on with Matt Lauer's scalp as an "insurgency."
Rosie O'Donnell, Kelly Ripa and Clay Aiken walk into a bar. Bartender says:
A: "You don't need me, this joke will write itself!"
B: "Excuse me, I think I'm in the wrong joke."
C: "Where are Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton when you need them?"
D. See answer D below.
According to The New York Observer, Washington Post employees are now subject to annual evaluations that include these criteria: "frequently exceeds expectations," "sometimes exceeds expectations," "meets expectations," "sometimes fails to meet expectations" and "frequently does not meet expectations." How does this make the average Post employee feel?
A. "Sometimes I feel like a nut."
B. "Sometimes I don't."
C. "Sometimes I run/Sometimes I hide/Sometimes I'm scared of you/But all I really want is to hold you tight/Treat you right/Be with you day and night/Baby all I need is time" (with apologies to Britney Spears)
D. "Frequently I want to shoot myself."
ANSWER KEY: A -- unless it's B, C or D.
~ ~ ~