Not So Frequently Asked Questions, or NSFAQ

You've Got Questions, Media Guy's Got Answers

By Published on .

Q: Now that you've got your own Media Guy fragrance line [see last week's column], any plans to branch into fashion?

A: Why, yes! Thanks for asking! The only holdup was the logo -- but then Meredith Publishing Editorial Director Mike Lafavore helpfully wrote in to suggest a line of "Media Guy polos that have something really daring and edgy printed on them ... like a frowny Mr. Yuk face." Remember Mr. Yuk? Awesome green-faced dude whose sticker parents are supposed to slap on the antifreeze so their kids don't think it's Gatorade? Love him. Thanks for the suggestion, Mike -- you've just saved me a lot of trouble.

Announcing official DIY Media Guy fashion: 1) Go to the nearest Old Navy and buy the cheapest polo or T-shirt you can find; 2) Get a free sheet of Mr. Yuk stickers by sending a self-addressed, stamped business-size envelope to: Free Mr. Yuk Stickers, Pittsburgh Poison Center, 3705 Fifth Ave., Pittsburgh, PA 15213; 3) When they arrive, slap one on your shirt in the vicinity of your left nipple. Voila! You're now wearing official Media Guy logowear.

Q: I noticed that the "views" counter for the YouTube.com video "Masturbating Cat" jumped by more than 10,000 in the days after you mentioned it in your column. Any other idiotic virals we should be watching?

A: In the spirit of a certain recent holiday, I suggest you visit Break.com and search on "Easter Bunny" to find a movie called "The Easter Bunny Hates You," which shows what the Easter Bunny does the other 364 days of the year. (Hint: He's got totally sweet fighting moves.) Incidentally, you'll notice just below the Break.com logo a line that reads "Formerly Big-Boys.com" -- which is funny, because Media Guy used to be known as Whiny-Little-Girl.com.

Q: How are all of these viral-video sites supposed to make money, anyway?

A: The closest answer I've found is offered by CubeBreak.com Chief Technologist Kevin Nalty. Click on the semi-hilarious "Inside CubeBreak" video (as seen on the site's home page) in which Nalty says, "We have a technology that allows us to pay content providers based on which videos are watched, uh, and, and, uh, distribute the ad revenue to them. But the, uh, technology doesn't work."

Q: Last July you wrote a column suggesting that White House spokesman Scott McClellan was a soul-dead halfwit, noting that "If you're trying to pull some sinister stuff and get away with it" you should make sure to hire "someone who knows the job is to serve, not get served." So he finally got fired. What job is he qualified to do now?

A: I'm not entirely sure, but speaking of serving, I'm picturing something that involves slowly speaking simple lines (but flubbing them anyway) like, "Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?"

Q: Do you have an official Media Guy jingle?

A: Well, sort of. Awhile back, Jessica Stouder and Katie Donoho, who call themselves the Jingle Belles, sent me a theme song featuring the refrain "He's the Media Guy, yeah, the Media Guy" and lines like "He carries a knife and a masculine tote/ His columns: more entertaining than 'Murder, She Wrote."' It's kind of dated -- the knife and tote references come from a long-forgotten column -- and inaccurate to boot (my columns are actually more entertaining than "Jake and the Fatman"). So, to go along with the official Media Guy logowear, I'm hereby soliciting a mash-up that uses the official Mr. Yuk theme song, (available at chp.edu/mryuk/mryuk_web.mp3).

To give you an idea of what you have to work with, some sample lyrics:

"Get to know his face
In every single place
When you see it
You'll know quick
Things marked 'Yuk'
Make you sick
Sick! Sick! Sick!"

Should be easy enough, right?

By the way, I wish I had some Mr. Yuk stickers right now to stick on Fox's "Unan1mous." And Hachette's upcoming Shock. And the Village Voice as reimagined by its new owners. And Bill Bennett's soul and...

E-mail: dumenco@gmail.com
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