Introducing Google Guilt, Google Therapist, Google Ours and Google Want

Google Really, Really Wants to Get to Know the Real You. Here's How It Might

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You may have seen recent coverage of a fascinating new service that Google is working on called Google Mine. The report originated with Google Operating System, an unofficial blog that covers news and gossip about the company. Alex Chitu of GOS got access to some of the details of an internal test of Google Mine and quoted the in-house description:

"Google Mine lets you share your belongings with your friends and keep up to date with what your friends are sharing. It enables you to control which of your Google+ Circles you share an item with. It also lets you rate and review the items, upload photos of them and share updates on the Google+ Stream."

Chitu noted that Google Mine is designed to let you enter "a lot of information about your objects. For example, you can change the status of an object to 'lent,' 'given away,' 'got it back,' 'lost it,' 'had in the past.' You can post videos about the object, write reviews, add it to a wishlist. . . . You can also check popular items and the items others have shared."

The main thing is that with Google Mine, your virtual expressions of interest would integrate with your real-world interests as manifested by your actual stuff, and Google can keep track of it all.

If you're of the mind-set that Google doesn't already know enough about you, you'll be pleased to learn that the tech giant may be expanding its efforts to understand the rest of you. Not just the virtual you and the real-world stuff-owning you, but the complex, nuanced, awesome, flawed, well-rounded human being that you are, both on- and offline.

As it happens, thanks to a deeply knowledgeable source (who may or may not actually exist; I am not at liberty to say), I've been able to review other internal documents for additional potential you-centric Google services called Google Guilt and Google Therapy. I also have exclusive details about two new Google-centric services currently being tested -- Google Ours and Google Want -- that take the Google Mine concept and apply it to Googlers.


While Google Mine lets you keep track of all your physical stuff, Google Guilt allows you to track your emotional baggage.

What makes Google Guilt revolutionary is that it integrates with all of your other Google services, including Gmail, Drive, Calendar and Google Mine. Click the "I'm Feeling Unlucky" button and Google Guilt will suggest issues you should be feeling bad about. For instance, it can mine Google Mine to determine that you've held on to your friend's "Breaking Bad" Season 4 Blu-ray box set a bit too long. Or it can check your Gmail and chat logs to figure out that you may be having an affair with Chris in Accounting.

As always, Google values your privacy and will never* share your data.


An outgrowth of Google voice commands that allows you to talk to Google about your hopes, fears and deepest, darkest secrets ... and get helpful, real-time spoken responses!

While Google Guilt helps you track your emotional baggage, Google Therapist helps you unburden yourself of it. Like Google Guilt, it integrates with all of your other Google services. By using the "Suggest Issues" function, Google Therapist can help you suss out whatever's bothering you and address it. Think of Google Therapist as a way to run a maintenance script on the hard drive in your head!

As always, Google values your privacy and will never* share your data.


An inventory of all the stuff owned by Google billionaires, millionaires and thousandaires, from Larry Page and Sergey Brin on down.

Remember several years back when Google founders Larry and Sergey reportedly acquired a Boeing 757? What the hell did they want with a commercial-class airliner designed to hold up to 289 people? Do they still have it? Thanks to Google Ours, now you'll know! Strap on Google Glass to join a Google Hangouts tour of the 757's Champagne Room (subject to availability), ask the pilot to land the jet in Larry's backyard airport (subject to existence), borrow Lare's copy of the pre-release edition of "The Last of Us" for PlayStation 4 (assuming it's not "lent"), then reboard for a quick trip to Sergey's house, where you can play it in his basement Game Room/Sex Dungeon (that's definitely real, according to my source).


A helpful directory of everything Google intends to acquire, co-opt or otherwise commandeer.

The rest of the advertising business. The rest of the internet. LensCrafters. Facebook, the minute it starts to falter. The rest of Oregon it doesn't already own, to expand its server-farm operations there. Manhattan. China. The NSA. The planet Earth (to be rechristened "Google Earth"). Your soul. It's all here!



Simon Dumenco is the "Media Guy" media columnist for Advertising Age. Follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.

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