According to the latest ComScore Networks report, this spring the average Internet user viewed roughly 100 minutes of video content per month -- up from 85 minutes per month last fall. Sadly, this means that people now have 15 fewer minutes per month to:
A. Crochet sweaters for their iPods.
B. Not buy a newspaper.
C. Anticipate the relaunch of Radar magazine.
D. Masturbate. Oh, wait -- never mind.
In the wake of Hachette's new Shock magazine, whose first issue features pictures of Chernobyl victims and a decomposed human head, which other ad-unfriendly magazine concepts are in development?
A. Celebrity Flab: graphic close-up paparazzi shots of Hollywood cellulite, "muffin top" love-handle bulges cascading out of too-tight pants and stretch marks.
B. Scab & Pus: new children's title for kids with scraped knees.
C. Everynight Food: recipes for fat people who like to eat in bed.
D. Fart Farty Fart Fart: Hachette's groundbreaking new all-scent-strip magazine.
When it was announced last week that Charlie Gibson was ascending to the anchor chair at ABC's "World News Tonight," he told The New York Observer's Rebecca Dana that he landed the job in large part by just hanging in there: "I was the guy still there by the candy machine, and so I got the job." What other reasons did he give?
A. "Seriously, I was the guy still there by the candy machine. I'm male. I'm a white male."
B. "I look like an insurance salesman -- and the American people trust the insurance industry."
C. "If Diane Sawyer let herself go grey like I've started to, she might have had a shot -- if people didn't confuse her with Susan Sontag or Ellen Levine or some other old chick."
D. "Taylor Hicks turned the job down."
This week Sirius Satellite Radio is launching "Blog Radio," a daily music show hosted by music bloggers. Other marketers looking to capitalize on the blog craze include:
A. Blogging-software giant Six Apart, with its Baby's First Blog Kit -- a pictogram keyboard and ultra-simplified TypePad interface that allows toddlers to instantly post snarky gossip about Sean Preston Spears Federline.
B. KFC, with its new Big Blogger Bucket -- the fried-chicken chain's single-serving eight-piece takeout special, for people seeking that hot blogger bod.
C. ABC, with its upcoming "The Bachelorette: Blog Edition" -- in which male bloggers compete for a chance to date BoingBoing.net goddess Xeni Jardin. (SPOILER: Hilarity ensues when it turns out the boy bloggers are all totally gay!)
D. Unilever, with BlAxe -- its Axe deodorant body spray spinoff for bloggers with no time to shower between posts.
Media-stunt-artist Madonna kicked off her new tour by mock-crucifying herself on stage. Other theatrical forms of self-abuse she considered and rejected?
A. Mock-reading Hachette's Shock magazine.
B. Mock-adopting an Austrian accent (to replace her faded British accent) and running for public office in California.
C. Mock-watching "Swept Away" on DVD without touching the fast-forward, stop or eject buttons.
D. Not pissing off the Catholic Church.
At this month's Time Warner shareholder meeting in Atlanta, CEO Richard Parsons once again insisted that "our company is clearly undervalued" -- which prompted calls anew for Time Warner to spin off its laggard AOL division. Should it?
D. Why are you still here?
News Corp.'s MySpace is said to be seeking a strategic partnership with either Google or Microsoft. If either deal happens:
A. MySpace-Google plans to buy Oregon and turn it into a 98,000-square-mile mini-golf and water-park "break room" for employees.
B. Annoying Microsoft Office paper-clip character automatically added as "friend" of all MySpace-Microsoft users.
C. MySpace-Microsoft chieftans Rupert Murdoch and Bill Gates to have celebratory three-way with Satan.
D. Madonna to re-crucify herself.
Last week's "American Idol" finale was briefly upstaged by Gawker's scoop that entertainment journalists covering the event were told that any attempts to question past "Idol" runner-up (and guest performer) Clay Aiken about his recent gay-sex scandal would "result in their being barred from the finale." What else were reporters covering "Idol" barred from doing?
A. Asking Simon Cowell what size bra he wears.
B. Accidentally calling interchangeable Idol Carrie Underwood "Kelly Clarkson."
C. Asking 2003 Idol Ruben Studdard to share his fries.
D. Asking Paula Abdul to complete a sentence.
Last week Nike announced it was releasing a wireless device called Nike + iPod Sports Kit, which lets users record workout stats on their iPod Nanos. Up next?
A. Tampax + iPod, with different playlists for light days, heavy flow days, etc.
B. Nike + video iPod for foot fetishists.
C. Relacore + iPod, which works to reduce excess cortisol production, targeting excess tummy flab fast!
Answer Key: A (except when it's B, C or D).