Media Guy Imagines Some 'Newpeats' For Media World

Here's to Re-editing Some of the Same Old, Same Old

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Last week, NBC made TV history: It successfully rebranded the rerun.
When Conde Nast Portfolio Editor Joanne Lippman's magazine comes out, there better be a fireworks display.
When Conde Nast Portfolio Editor Joanne Lippman's magazine comes out, there better be a fireworks display.

The network broadcast an hour-long "newpeat" of "The Office" that was basically a re-edited set of reruns in which some scenes were deleted and other scenes, which had previously been left on the cutting-room floor, were included. Brilliant! I almost never watch reruns of anything, but I tuned in Thursday night.

Now I wish someone would create newpeats for the other parts of my life. Particularly my media life. Because I'm so sick of all the reruns! The same stuff seems to happen over and over and over to the same old cast of characters. If I were to re-edit these episodes, it'd go something like this:

Original episode: As Keith Kelly recently reported in his New York Post column, David Pecker, CEO of American Media, "slipped another noose" when he somehow persuaded "bondholders to agree to extend the filing deadline for... long overdue fiscal results." As Kelly noted, "It marks at least the fifth blown deadline" for the publisher of Star, National Enquirer, etc.
In the newpeat episode: At an AMI meeting with bondholders, one of them finally snaps and demands Pecker cough up the results. Pecker turns red, his eyes begin to water, and he blurts out, "Fine, be that way!" He then attempts to launch a PowerPoint presentation from his laptop, which mysteriously starts emitting smoke. Pecker yells, "Fire!" The glowering bondholders remain silently seated. "Fire!" Pecker repeats. "Seriously, fire!! Run for your lives!" And then, with tears soaking his mustache, he bolts out of the building.

Original episode: The new business magazine Conde Nast Portfolio has been so overhyped for so long that one of its star hires, Laurie Cohen, had time to leave The Wall Street Journal to join Portfolio, and then quit Portfolio to return to the Journal almost three months later -- before Portfolio's first issue ever even appears. Still, the publication, having whetted appetites for freaking ever, announces it's finally set to hit newsstands on April 24th.
In the newpeat episode: On April 25, Conde Nast Portfolio announces a whole new lineup of special events to celebrate its launch. When Editor Joanne Lipman gets a polite call from Huffington Post "Eat the Press" Editor Rachel Sklar -- the world's most gracious media reporter -- inquiring about the whereabouts of the magazine, Lipman starts screaming, "What?! What are you talking about?! Nobody ever said it was April 24, 2007!" Lipman refuses to release the actual launch year, saying "that's competitive information," but does tell Sklar she's arranged to buy fireworks left over from the 1999 Talk magazine launch party at the base of the Statue of Liberty. "Tina Brown is selling them to me at just cost plus 20%," she says, delightedly.

Original episode: At a recent speech to a conservative audience, Ann Coulter referred to presidential candidate John Edwards as a "faggot."
In the newpeat episode: After her "faggot" line, Coulter decides to further elevate the level of her discourse by farting -- but hilarity ensues when she accidentally sharts! She's hustled backstage for a change of clothes, but Coulter's assistant negligently leaves the soiled dress behind in a waste basket, where it's found by a custodian who puts it up for sale on eBay -- where it ultimately goes for an astonishing $14,363. The winning bidder opens a museum in Washington and Coulter cultists line up around the block, eager to pay the admission fee ($9.11) to view what's now known as the "Ann Coulter Anti-Faggot Shart Dress," since, in the Coulter canon, the accidental shart is now seen as a brave statement "shitting on the whole liberal, homosexual agenda."

Original episode: After endless legal wrangling over her corpse, Anna Nicole Smith was buried at the Lakeview Cemetery on Nassau in the Bahamas.
In the newpeat episode: On May 14th -- the new deadline for American Media to announce its fiscal results, following the mysterious laptop fire (see above) -- David Pecker announces that the missing American Media financial statements were accidentally buried along with Anna Nicole, necessitating the immediate exhumation of her body. Pecker contracts with James Cameron, fresh from his investigation into the supposed burial plot of Jesus, to produce a Star-branded documentary titled "The Lost Tomb of Anna Nicole" for the Discovery Channel.

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E-mail: sdumenco@adage.com
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