The Aug. 19 issue of celebrity weekly OK, on newsstands now, shows a smiling Angelina Jolie accompanied by the headline "ANGIE TALKS TWINS!" and the subhead "Angie & Brad are getting ready for their new arrivals." Oh, and there's also a little inset photo of Angie and Brad and their brood with the caption "The Whole Family Is So Excited!"
Naturally! Because it is so exciting to get trolled by a stupid celebrity magazine! Probably not quite as exciting as working at a stupid celebrity magazine where you can just totally make things up, but still!
OK's (cough) reporting here relies on "a pal," "sources close to the couple," an "insider," a "longtime family friend," etc. The premise of the story is that given that Angie and Brad were happy about having twins in the past -- Knox and Vivienne, now 5 -- they plan to have twins again. To wit, per OK:
[T]hey did so well with the whole twins thing that they're going back for more. In the wake of Angie's pre-emptive double mastectomy, sources close to the couple say she and Brad, 49, are more in love than ever -- and that they've told friends they're preparing to add two more babies to their brood.
Yes, of course, because it's widely known that Angelina Jolie has a magic celebrity womb that can bear offspring in pairs at will. Or, wait, maybe the twin-generating ability actually lies in Brad Pitt's magic celebrity testicles; OK exclusively reveals that Pitt has "dialed back his professional commitments" to focus on impregnating Angie with twins and seeing her through nine months of carrying the adorable, glamorous twin fetuses.
But wait, STOP THE PRESSES! Because according my exclusive reporting -- specifically, a conversation I just had with a source close to a source, who is pals with a longtime friend of the source's pal -- Angelina Jolie is actually pregnant with quintuplets!
The Whole Family* Is So Excited!
Eat my journalistic dust, OK magazine.
- - -
*by which I mean, the family of imaginary talking squirrels that live under my desk, in my wastebasket.
Simon Dumenco is the "Media Guy" columnist for Advertising Age. You can follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.