First off, I want to apologize to Simon Cowell, the fans of "American Idol" and not only all big-chested, squared-haired British men everywhere, but all ridiculous British people period, including Rowan Atkinson, Queen Elizabeth, that soccer player with the spiky hair and his Spice Girl wife, the other Spice Girls, Tony Blair, Madonna, J.K. Rowling and Benny Hill, if he's still alive.
I realize now that I used a phrase in describing Mr. Cowell that is unacceptable in any context or circumstance -- even if, say, your shrink just changed your meds, which, by the way, he had. And even if you were being heckled at the time by someone who clearly got off on pushing your buttons, which happened to be the case. And even if you were drunk, which, for the record, I was then, but I'm not now. Also for the record, this water bottle I've got right here, it just has water in it. You can taste it if you want to.
Anyway, I realize that in not only saying what I said but repeating it five times -- and then also arranging for the production of a limited-edition T-shirt with the phrase that's available at selected boutiques including Kitson on North Robertson Boulevard in Beverly Hills -- I ruined the moods of ridiculous, differently chested, alternatively coiffed British men everywhere. I can neither defend nor explain my outburst or my licensing agreement.
I can also no longer deny to myself that there are issues I obviously need to examine deep, deep within my own soul, and I've not only asked for help from the Rev. Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jesse Jackson but for forgiveness from Donald Trump.
I recognize that it's presumptuous of me to ever hope that Mr. Cowell might ever accept my abject, sincere, genuine, devout, heartily heartfelt apology.
And so before I ask for Mr. Cowell's forgiveness, I've decided to embark on a journey to me, to that place within the deepest inner part of my soul, where I intend to begin the process of healing the hurt and the harm that my hurt-inducing actions have so harmfully caused.
I have a long, important journey on which to embark, and I recognize that an important first step toward acknowledging the length and importance of that journey is to speak out honestly and candidly, as I'm doing right now, in regards to my intention of taking the first step toward embarking on that journey. I recognize that I have a lot of work to do on myself, and the only way to get that work done is to take the all-important first step of deciding to acknowledge how much work I must do on myself, and then actually doing it.
I also want to apologize to my longtime publicist for firing her by e-mail. As you know, I briefly hired my sister as my new publicist, and then fired her too, also by e-mail. So, Sis, sorry -- and call me back, OK? I've left you three voice-mail messages already.
And I also want to apologize to Howard Rubenstein for not hiring him, but Kelly Mullens from 42West called me back first. You snooze, you lose.
I just want to add that I welcome the chance to meet with British community leaders in person, by satellite, or via instant message to apologize and to begin a dialogue about what I can do to begin the process of healing the hurtful wounds that I inflicted on the millions of be-wounded.
I know just one press conference will not end this, and I intend to let my future actions -- specifically, additional press conferences -- prove my sincerity.
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