Last week Google announced an ambitious expansion of its Google News archive, which will scan exact replicas of decades' worth of dozens of newspaper titles, including the Chicago Tribune and the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, and make them searchable -- much like the Google Book Search project makes books searchable. What are the benefits for users?
- Some day you can show your blog-reading grandchildren what "reporting" was.
- Some day you can show your Craigslist-surfing grandchildren what a "paid classified ad" was.
- Some day you can show your Twittering grandchildren what a "paragraph" was.
- Indulge the indulgences of the self-indulgent.
- Extend a helping hand to rich jerk-offs.
- Disrespect copy editors who despise gratuitous punctuation.
- NBC's "Celebrity Stuff on My Cat"
- ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Poodle Edition"
- Fox's "Are You Smarter Than a Dolphin?"
- SpinBlocker, a dietary supplement that binds with excess spin and passes it harmlessly through your system before it can be absorbed (warning: may cause abdominal cramping and anal leakage).
- NewsBoreometer, a browser plug-in that automatically blocks eyeball-glazing phrases like "subprime residential mortgage-backed securities" and "collateralized debt obligations" from appearing on your screen.
- NewsSnooze, an alarm system from the makers of LifeAlert that wakes napping senior citizens up when that nice Katie Couric lady is done reading the headlines and "Wheel of Fortune" comes on.
- Suspiciously tiny, young-looking Gabriella. (China totally ready to produce her passport showing that she's 16. No, really!)
- 18,000 backup singers in cafeteria during signature "HSM" song "Breaking Free" (which, by the way, will be retitled "We Will Smash the Separatist Schemes of the Dalai Lama for the Good of Our Glorious Unified Nation").
- Chinese-puppetry-inspired version of Troy to appear more lifelike than pancake-makeup-wearing Zac Efron.
OK, now for the bonus special election-season media/poli-sci section of the quiz ...
Besides enraging the McCain-Palin campaign and its supporters, what will be the upshot of Barack Obama's unfortunate "pig in lipstick" crack last week?
- Plummeting support for Obama in transgender-porcine community.
- Skyrocketing sales of Max Factor Snoutfinity lipstick.
- Protests by PETA, which, of course, strongly objects to testing beauty products on animals.
- "Hair Apparent: Beauty Secrets of America's Most Powerful Have-It-All Mom!"
- "Exclusive! Bristol Palin reveals, 'How I Dropped My Baby Weight.' PLUS: How you, too, can get your 16-year-old bod back!"
- Red-hot Redneck: How Hockey Hottie Levi Johnston Became America's Favorite Baby Daddy!"
- A pretty pit bull (with a litter of puppies).
- A dead moose (with NRA-approved shotgun wounds) strapped to the top of a gas-guzzling SUV (thanks, offshore drilling!) that isn't speeding down the Bridge to Nowhere, thank you very much.
- A barracuda with a shotgun in one fin and a hockey stick in the other -- with its fangs sunk into the throat(s) of liberal haters Ann and/or Nancy Wilson of the band Heart.
- Um, foreign-policy experience?
- Hair plugs?
Sorry, no room for Media Guy's Pop Pick this week. But there's still time to enter the "Gossip Girl" DVD giveaway.