In its new Jeff Foxworthy-hosted game show, Fox wants to know: "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?" The correct answer?
A. Wait, are we talking about a private-school fifth-grader or a public-school fifth-grader?
B. Um, no.
C. I don't know, but can a fifth-grader please tell me what time "Idol" is on?
D. Maybe, maybe not -- but can a fifth-grader grow a magnificent, plump, velvety-soft mustache like Jeff Foxworthy's? I rest my case.
Last week, following the baffling dismissal of its editor, David Blum, the Village Voice hired Tony Ortega, editor of the Broward-Palm Beach New Times, as its fifth editor in a little over a year. Over the next six months, who will the sixth, seventh and eighth editors be?
A. Michael Musto; Ann Coulter; Perez Hilton.
B. Gawker's Choire Sicha; Jossip's David Hauslaib; my mom.
C. Paris Hilton; Lonelygirl15; Lonelygirl15's assistant.
D. Ann Coulter; you; your nephew.
According to Reuters, under new digital chief Mika Salmi, MTV "plans to build literally thousands [of new websites], hoping to draw viewers by letting them watch, contribute and even re-edit its television shows." Among the web-only programming planned for these new sites:
A. "I'm an MTV Employee; Get Me Out of Here": Hilarity ensues as Mika Salmi and his intern -- the only MTV employees left after the summer 2007 layoffs -- race to build and launch one new website every 18 minutes.
B. "Pimp My Pimp My Ride": a show that allows viewers to re-pimp qualified pre-pimped vehicles.
C. "Unpimp My Pimped Ride": a show that allows viewers whose rides have been impractically pimped to remove, say, the 80-gallon koi pond in the back seat.
D. "Mika Salmi's Anagram Generator": hours of fun! (Salami Kim, Miami Salk, etc.)
Investing legend Warren Buffett recently warned against the current fetish among fellow rich guys for investing in newspapers, given that "there's no rule that says a newspaper's revenues can't fall below its expenses and that losses can't mushroom." What other things are there no rules for?
A. There's no rule that says that if you're a newspaper publisher you can't replace your investigative team with, say, a sudoku puzzle.
B. There's no rule that Craigslist's Craig Newmark can't launch his own sudoku-puzzle site to kill off newspapers' sudoku business.
C. There's no rule that once Craigslist kills your sudoku business, you can't turn the business section into a fun origami diagram that, when completed, forms the logo of one of your top 10 advertisers.
D. There's no rule that Cathy Guisewite's "Cathy" cartoon ever has to be funny.
Sirius CEO Mel Karmazin claims that the merger of Sirius and XM into the world's one and only satellite-radio company will result in subscription prices "well below the cost of the two services today." If you believe that, what else will you believe?
A. Free satellite rides for all new subscribers! Saddle up, kiddies!
B. Post-merger, Karmazin will forgo power-lunching for a modest, economical meal of Cup-a-Soup, a banana, a bag of SunChips and a can of Fresca.
C. If you try to hook your iPod up to the iPod connection built into many new cars, there's a really good chance you'll suffer a fatal electric shock. Like, an 85% chance. Just so you know. Still, there's a 15% chance you won't die -- so if you're OK with those odds, well, fine.
D. Newspapers are a great investment.
ABC has greenlighted a sitcom based on the caveman characters from those ubiquitous Geico commercials? What's next?
A. Aunt Jemima to join next cast of VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club."
B. Frolicsome animated versions of the KFC/Taco Bell New York City rats to star in adorable new Saturday-morning kids' cartoon.
C. Pillsbury Doughboy to replace head judge Tom Colicchio on "Top Chef."
D. Reanimated Orville Redenbacher to replace Freddy Krueger in "Nightmare on Elm Street" movie franchise.
Octogenarian Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone told People last week, "I haven't talked with [Tom Cruise] recently. But who knows? I look forward to seeing him again. He's a great, great actor -- one of the best. He was a great friend. And I look forward to being his friend again." He added that despite reports to the contrary, "I didn't fire him! I had nothing to do with it." What else did Redstone tell People?
A. That the CBS show "Jake and the Fatman" was never actually cancelled. And it is, in fact, a great, great show -- one of the best on TV.
B. That Tom Cruise was robbed by the Academy a couple of weeks ago. "He deserved an Oscar for 'Rain Man' -- his performance as an autistic sports agent was the best I saw all year."
C. That despite reports Sumner fired Viacom CEO Tom Freston, Tom in fact just went out for a sandwich and will be right back.
D. That the whole Watergate thing "is being blown way out of proportion," and "we should all just give President Nixon the space he needs to run the country as he sees fit."
ANSWER KEY: A -- unless it's B, C or D.