NEWS ITEM: "He did not come clean in the manner I expected." --Oprah Winfrey on "CBS This Morning."
So what did he spill? Five possibilities:
1. He's no Honey Boo Boo Child! (Also: No big coming-out speech for him -- he already came out as a lesbian a thousand years ago back in the Stone Age.)
2. He was secretly using FedEx the entire time he was on the U.S. Postal Service Pro Cycling Team.
3. You get a steroid injection! You get a steroid injection! You get a steroid injection! Everybody gets a steroid injeccccccttttttttionnnnnnnn!
4. He is seriously considering retiring from doping.
5. Sure, he may have taken performance-enhancing drugs, but he had absolutely nothing to do with that Scientology advertorial on TheAtlantic.com.
Rules for the BONUS DRINKING GAME to play during the two-part Oprah & Lance show, which debuts on Oprah's OWN network -- as in, OWN up to doping already, Lance, you big douchebag -- Thursday at 9 p.m. ET and continuing Friday at the same hour:
- Drink a shot every time Lance Armstrong issues a non-denial-denial-style non-confessional confession.
- Drink a shot if Lance's lower lip and/or chin quivers -- basically anytime he looks as much like a whipped puppy as James Frey did when he had to go to Principal Oprah's office.
- Drink a shot every time Lance attempts to shift blame to anyone or anything -- like the International Cycling Union -- other than himself.
Simon Dumenco is the "Media Guy" columnist for Advertising Age. You can follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.