Torturing Hitchens Just Doesn't Work! (He'll Never Shut Up!)

As Painful as It May Be, It's Time for the Summer Edition of Media Guy's Media Studies Quiz

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It's time once again for the quarterly-ish Media Guy Media Studies Pop Quiz. All books and papers off your desk now!
Water Boredom: Geneva Conventions do not apply at Condé Nast. Credit: Doug Meszler

"We're not immune to what is going on in the economy," Glamour Publisher Bill Wackerman told the New York Post's Keith Kelly last week to explain the slumping ad total at his title. "Although we're losing pages, our market share is up. Market share is the new up." What else is the new new?
  1. Cautious despair is the new cautious optimism.
  2. Getting laid off is the new "big promotion."
  3. Dark clouds are the new sunshine.
  4. Red (on your balance sheet) is the new black.
According the Associated Press, the Orange County Register is outsourcing some copy editing to Mindworks Global Media, an Indian company near New Delhi. What other plans for media outsourcing are in the works?
  1. Star magazine's paparazzi shots of Lindsay Lohan having a hot girl-on-girl three-way with Samantha Ronson and Tammy Lynn Michaels to be outsourced to $1.40-an-hour Photoshop artists in Lithuania.
  2. NBC's "America's Got Talent" talent to be outsourced to Canada.
  3. Sam Zell to outsource his Tribune Co. CEO job to a more cost-effective cranky old man, replacing himself with Abe Vigoda.
  4. Gawker Media to fire all bloggers, outsourcing all content creation to volunteer blog commenters, who will comment on all the comments people are making about the comments they make about other commenters' comments.
Speaking of commentary, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" creator Joss Whedon says his coming web series, "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog," will appear online for just a few days, so as to preserve the audience for a DVD release -- which, he told TV Guide, will feature extras such as "musical commentary that is a completely original musical, that is all commentary songs. ... We're just piling it on." What other such self-referential entertainment spectaculars can we look forward to?
  1. The YouTube Video-Response Channel, a web network that features nothing but spoofs of viral-video hits -- and spoofs of spoofs of viral-video hits.
  2. MyMyMySpace -- News Corp.'s bid to recapture some of the social-networking heat it's lost to Facebook by creating a revolutionary social network for people who don't have any friends.
  3. Solitairulous, the smash-hit online gaming sensation (as seen on MyMyMySpace).
  4. Diggscapades, a touring ice show with routines built around nerd-favorite stories that get the most "diggs," such as "Build Your Own Homemade Flame Thrower" and "The Sexiest Weather Girls in the World."
Microsoft's bid to acquire Yahoo famously fell apart over price -- it had offered $31, then $33, while Yahoo wanted at least $37, but maybe might have taken $33, but then Microsoft lost interest. Last week, though, The Wall Street Journal reported that Microsoft may be trying to team up with Time Warner or another media giant to attempt a fresh round of courtship. What happens next?
  1. Yahoo gets offended, saying it's not interested in a threesome.
  2. Yahoo's best frenemy, Google, says, "Wait, threesomes are kind of fun -- look at these Google Image Search images of Lindsay, Samantha and Tammy!"
  3. Microsoft, angry that Yahoo is taking so long to decide, storms off, saying that it's no longer interested.
  4. Yahoo says, "So I'm, like, not pretty enough for you? OK! I'll do a threesome! Hello? Where did you go?"
For his latest Vanity Fair column, Christopher "God Is Not Great" Hitchens -- who last winter endured a full male Brazilian bikini wax for a piece about "the limits of self-improvement" -- underwent waterboarding to determine if it constitutes torture. What degradation does VF Editor Graydon Carter have planned next for ol' Hitchie?
  1. Will be talked into posing topless, draped just in a bed sheet, by Annie Leibovitz.
  2. Must cuddle awkwardly with Billy Ray Cyrus.
  3. Slumber party with fellow Vanity Fair cranks Michael Wolff and Dominick Dunne.
  4. Once he dies, he must live-blog from hell about "the limits of eternal damnation."
With a fresh infusion of cash from investors including Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, Twitter -- which fans use to micro-blog, usually via their cellphones, in short bursts of 140 characters or fewer -- has announced it intends to "become a sustainable business supported by a revenue model." How so?
  1. Text ads unobtrusively inserted into CHANGE YOUR SEX LIFE! PowerENLARGE 15x MORE POWERFUL! CLICK HERE Twitter tweets.
  2. Twitter to hire retired Pets.com sock puppet as spokes-puppet; will go on lucrative college comedy tour with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
  3. Twitter-branded spinoff products, such as Twitter Thumb Moisturizer.
  4. Um, Twitter tax on twits?
How is the war in Iraq going?
  1. Apparently Angelina Jolie has checked into a maternity clinic on the French Riviera.
  2. Hey, did you hear Tim Russert died?
  3. A French doctor says it might take "a few more weeks" for Angelina Jolie to give birth.
  4. Tim Russert is still dead. Oh, how we miss him!
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ANSWER KEY: A -- unless it's B, C or D.
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