On the heels of the release of fellow celebutard Britney Spears' unfortunately titled CD "Blackout," Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own latest unfortunately titled CD, "Nobody's Angel." What other titles were considered for the record?
A. "Nobody's Home Upstairs."
B. "I'm Everybody's Nobody."
C. "Nobody Has Any Blow? For Reals? C'mon, Anybody?"
D. "Nobody Cares Anymore Except for Maybe TMZ."
Last week, NBC's Carson Daly became the first late-night-talk-show host to defy the Writers Guild strike by returning his "Last Call With Carson Daly" to production -- sans writers. Why?
A. Because he can afford to alienate writers. God knows it's Last Call for Carson Daly's Career, and he sure ain't gonna be needing writers on the fairways.
B. Wait, what? Carson Daly is still on the air?
C. Carson Daly? He was the really queeny one on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," right?
D. Huh? What's that? Carson who? Johnny Carson? I thought he was dead.
Last week, an influential Wall Street analyst downgraded The New York Times Co. stock from "neutral" to "sell" -- more bad news for the most prominent ink-stained publisher in the seemingly doomed newspaper sector. What's next?
A. Downgrading "sell" rating to "shred."
B. Downgrading from "shred" to "burn."
C. Downgrading from "burn" to "totally ignore."
D. Downgrading from "totally ignore" to "sell remaining assets in fire sale -- on Craigslist."
Esquire announced last week that it's partnering with the high-def cable channel Mojo to produce 45-second interstitial programming shorts titled "Take It From Esquire." Take what from Esquire?
A. "Take it from Esquire, that shirt makes you look gay."
B. "Take it from Esquire, women love men in gay-looking shirts."
C. "Take it from Esquire, we'd never heard of Mojo either until we signed this deal with them."
D. "Take it from Esquire, bitch. Yeah, you like that, don't you? Yeah, take it!"
To celebrate the "Return of the Spice Girls" tour, Virgin Atlantic and the now 30-something "girls" -- Sporty, Posh, Ginger, Scary and Baby -- are co-sponsoring a contest to name one of Virgin Atlantic's 747s in honor of the singing group. What unique features does this special-edition Virgin jumbo jet have?
A. Plane not actually "Virgin," nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more.
B. Leather seats in first-class cabin that eerily approximate the feel of the Spice Girls' Botoxed complexions.
C. Free in-flight magazine: Wordy Spice (don't worry, it's mostly paparazzi shots -- and the captions are really short).
D. Turbulence, after a complimentary drink or two, seems more sporty than scary.
Since its much-hyped debut, the faux-cheery Fox Business News -- which has no imminent plans to reveal its ratings -- is being watched these days by whom, mostly?
A. Manic-depressive shut-ins.
B. Ernestine Grimshaw, 86, of Davenport, Iowa (she lost her remote; TV stuck on Fox Business).
C. People sitting in the Fox Business reception area at News Corp. headquarters in New York.
D. Mittens and Whiskers, the beloved Persian longhair cats of 86-year-old Ernestine Grimshaw of Davenport, Iowa (they swatted the remote under the couch while playing with it -- bad kitties!).
After 16 years, telecom giant T-Mobile decided last week to stop sponsoring its professional cycling team because of cycling's unsavory connection to doping scandals. What other marketers are suddenly skittish, and what actions are they taking?
A. Verizon to sever all ties to "Can You Hear Me Now?" guy -- because of his unsavory affliction of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
B. Geico to sever all ties to cavemen -- because of unsavory connection to awful ABC sitcom.
C. Alcoholic Indian elephants to distance themselves from their supposed champion Paris Hilton -- on the advice of their William Morris agents.
D. Heroin Dealers Association of Britain to immediately distance itself from rocker/addict Pete Doherty -- for being just too damn pathetic and skeevy, even for them.
The Smoking Gun last week posted a police report about the harassment Ann Coulter has received at her Palm Beach home, including an unsigned card placed in her mailbox that, according to the cop who took notes, read: "You self-aggrandizing [two words not clear] sociopath!! The only things left after a nuclear war are you and cockroaches." What two words were not clear?
A. "Horse-faced," probably.
B. Wait, are you sure it's a good idea to joke about this? Last time you gently ribbed Ann Coulter in your column, you got thinly veiled death threats from her most rabid fans.
C. Yeah, you're probably right. You know, now that I think about it, the two words were probably "patriotic" and "sexy." OK?
D. Oh, geez, who am I kidding? "Horse-faced," definitely.
ANSWER KEY: A -- unless it's B, C or D.