Ever since I published a column titled "The Future of the Pregnant-Celebrity-Industrial Complex" in February, I've been more in touch than ever with my inner womb. Which is why I'm so terribly excited about a news item published online by Us Weekly last night. Titled "Exclusive: Kate Middleton: What Will Happen If She Goes Into Labor Early," it offers, yes, exclusive details about what will happen if Kate Middleton goes into labor early.
"Kate Middleton is due to give birth on July 11," the celebrity magazine reports, "but should her baby arrive early, the palace has a plan in place," according to "multiple sources."
In its exclusive, Us Weekly exclusively reveals the exclusive details of that palace plan, which would (exclusively) involve Kate:
• going to the hospital ("A helicopter will fly her 70 minutes away to London's St. Mary's Hospital");
• checking into the hospital and then delivering naturally ("Once checked in, she hopes to give birth naturally, according to a source");
• having a C-section if she has to ("However, should she run into delivery complications, an insider says 'she will have a C-section'");
• leaving the hospital and then posing for pictures with her husband and her newborn ("When the first-time parents leave the hospital, [an] aide promises that the 31-year-old royals 'will pose with the baby for pictures'").
Despite this amazing feat of journalism, I have to say that I find Us Weekly's report to be rather one-sided. Fortunately, I was able to speak exclusively with the royal fetus to find out his plans (Kate is expecting a boy), regardless of whether or not Kate goes into labor early. They include:
• checking out of the royal uterus;
• traveling down the royal birth canal;
• gasping as he takes his first royal breath;
• crying like the dickens;
• opening his eyes, looking around, and thinking, "WTF?!";
• flinching a bit when the doctor reaches for the scissors to cut his royal umbilical cord;
• getting weighed;
• sleeping a lot;
• waking up and crying;
• sleeping some more;
• posing for pictures;
• writing a tell-all.
Simon Dumenco is the "Media Guy" media columnist for Advertising Age. Follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.