The Kafka Questionnaire

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What's the next big advertising medium?

The inside of people's eyelids. I've already invested heavily in the company that has the technology to do this. The IPO is next week, so basically this is my swan song as a copywriter.

What's your favorite dot-com ad?

Dot-com ad? I haven't seen any dot-com ads.

What's your least favorite dot-com ad?

That stupid one where they shoot the gerbil through the hole. It's just like all those other shoot-the-gerbil-through-the-hole ads.

What are the next two big agencies to merge?

Funny you should ask. Because I just had breakfast with Lee Clow and Jeff Goodby, and they were practically making out.

What ad campaign would make the best Broadway musical?

You're not going to believe this, but as it happens I own the Broadway rights to the current Burger King campaign. I was thinking tragedy, but a musical might work. A sad musical, though.

What movie best portrays people in advertising?

Any movie with consensual sodomy.

What flavor iMac do you want?

This is one of those psychoanalytic questions, right? I tell you an answer and the next thing I know I'm reading about how I have trouble opening up. Nice try, but no thanks.

What's your caffeine drink of choice?

I'm not much of a caffeine person, but the guy that sits in the office next to me, Sean Crane, is a huge Coke dealer. I'm sure if I needed a little boost, he'd be cool about it.

If you could have just one item in your fridge, what would it be?

No-brainer. That talking sandwich from the orange juice commercial. I don't know if you've seen it, but it's pretty incredible. It wouldn't be just like having a sandwich in there, it would be like having a friend.

What's your favorite Website?

Come on man, my wife might read this.

What's your favorite chat room?

Great place for a shrink joke, but I don't see one.

Why is print better than TV?

People will hand you that mumbo-jumbo about print being a much truer form of creative expression. How with TV there are so many ways to hide a lame-ass idea -- the director, the producer, the editor, the actor, blah, blah, blah. Don't buy it. Everybody knows the reason print is better than TV is the $100,000 Kelly awards.

Who should play David Ogilvy in the movie?

Could be a white man, could be a black man, just as long as it's not a white man reversed out on a black man.

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