I Hate You, 'American Idol'! You've Ruined Everything!
In the Whiny Spirit of the Show, 10 Great Reasons to Despise Pop Culture's Most Powerful Juggernaut
Whining (It's not fair! The judges don't know what they're *#!&@-ing talking about!) is a core mode of expression on "American Idol." So in that spirit, on the eve of the show's eighth-season premiere, let's take a moment to whine melodramatically about the collateral damage this TV juggernaut has inflicted on American culture:
1. Because for four full months a year, Fox puts these people in charge of American pop culture: (if you haven't already seen this hilarious clip of a gang of heartbroken fangirls frrrrreeeeeeeaaaaaaaking out as David Archuleta fails to win the 2008 "Idol" crown, well, brace yourself).
3. Because it's painful to contemplate Paula Abdul's pain. It's bad enough that poor Abdul has been the target of ridicule time and time again for her sometimes foggy, erratic judging performances -- prompting Abdul to reveal that for years she's been on pain medication for a rare neuropathic disorder. She spoke out, she told People magazine, because she found postings on "AI" fan message boards about her "spaced out" behavior to be "hideous and mean." OK, so it's bad enough she's already taunted by "fans" -- but then the "Idol" producers, who should be watching out for her, book a stalker on the show who later ends up offing herself? Why, Walters asked Abdul, would she stay on a show that treats her like that? Her sad little answer: "I'm under contract."
4. Because of the Daughtry Effect. (Multi-platinum artist Chris Daughtry was the fourth-place finalist on the fifth season of "AI.") This is also known as the Cook Effect. (David Cook won the seventh season.) In other words, thoroughly average dudes attempting to "rock" their way to pop-cultural credibility by channeling grizzled Pearl Jam singer Eddie Vedder. If you've ever suffered through a boozily earnest, throaty rendition of "Jeremy" in a karaoke bar, you know exactly what style of singing this is.
5. Because of its sustained raping and pillaging of the Great American Songbook and beyond. Think of your favorite song ever. Chances are it's been butchered on "Idol." Now, lots of great songs have been sung badly on TV over the years, but there's something about "Idol's" omnipresence and virality that can cause it to crowd out the original version in our collective consciousness. And think of the millions of kids who know classics, from Irving Berlin standards to Beatles songs, only from their "Idol"-ized versions. Sigh.
6. Because it's made Broadway, which was bad enough already, worse. Broadway stages have become dumping grounds for otherwise unemployed Idols and runners-up.
7. Because of the new Paula Voting Block. This season, a fourth judge will join Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell. She's a songwriter named Kara DioGuardi, a pal of Abdul. DioGuardi's bubbly, hyper-cheery talk-show appearances thus far suggest she'll be just as gooey a judge as Adbul. Great. Just what we needed: more insincere pity-praise of the under-talented in an already over-coddled culture.
8. Because "Idol" helped drive Detroit into the ground. Seriously. As neuromarketing expert Martin Lindstrom recently wrote in these pages, brain-scan "emotional engagement" testing conducted on 2,000 "American Idol" viewers showed that Ford's high-profile sponsorship of the show fully backfired. "In fact," Lindstrom says, "the brand equity Ford had before the study fell consistently throughout the show and ended up negative after the show." Anybody who's ever cringed through an "Idol" Ford Music Video can understand exactly how this happened.
9. Because of, well, the crapfest. Some day soon, when record companies stop pressing CDs, the generally mediocre records from most "Idol" winners -- not to mention the generally horrible records from dozens of "Idol" losers -- will exist in a sort of digital purgatory: streams of 1's and 0's briefly coveted by preteen girls, and then mostly forgotten. But for now, think of the millions of physically extant "Idol" CDs that are destined for our already overstuffed landfills.
10. Because not even the Magic Kingdom is safe anymore. "American Idol" has infected even Walt Disney World. (See disneyworld.com/idol for the gory details.) With apologies to Chris Cocker: "Idol," leave Mickey Mouse alone!!!
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I am not afraid. I will watch again. The Disney thing is a little spooky --- but that's what amusement parks are for, right?
TK
1 - Tell me the list of other entertaining shows that a family can watch without a "cover your eyes/ears" alert every few minutes. It's tough out there for parents.
2, 3 - Absolutely despicable. Has nothing to do with the presentation on screen to the viewers, but despicable none the less.
4 - and this didn't happen pre-Idol? Better than the "whisper rock" of Goo-Goo Dolls and their ilk. And it being a talent show where artists sing covers, what else are that genre of singers to sing? Or should dudes be ineligible unless they are R&B, Clay Aiken or Taylor what's his name.
5 - and even more millions think the Will Smith came up with all of those beats (vs. Sister Sledge, Bill Withers, Bar-Kays, Patrice Rushen, Whispers, James Brown, etc), and when I was young they thought Van Halen wrote "Pretty Woman", and in the 50's Pat Boone ripped Little Richard's legacy, and on and on it goes.
6- right, and of course it wasn't a dumping ground for otherwise unemployed Hollwood stars and backup singers. And of course Jennifer Hudson isn't too bad, eh?
7- I'm very interested in seeing how she judges. If she's a Paula clone I will, like you, be very dissappointed
8 - Thanks goodness Chrysler and GM didn't advertise on Idol or they wouldn't be in such great shape!
9 - seems to me that Idol simply has filled the vacuum of bad music (and some good) in the 00's that existed in the 70's through the 90's. If Idol didn't exist, bad music still would (or we'd have even MORE Britney and the like)
10- anything for a buck
Idol ain't Masterpiece Theatre. It isn't even dinner theater. It is however solid entertainment that is suitable for families to watch. Seems to me that people are taking it a bit too seriously when it (generally) seems to make most people happy, gives some their 15 minutes of fame, and gives a few talented people exposure to a wide audience. For every Sanjaya there is a Fantasia, for every warbling embarrasment there is a Jennifer Hudson. Hopefully this season will dwell more on the latter than the former.
http://recoveringdj.blogspot.com/2009/01/true-confession-not-anidol-fan.html