The Kafka Questionnaire

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What are you allowed to eat on the Arnold Schwarzenegger diet?

All-you-can-eat wings-but only the left ones.

What will Britney Spears be doing in 10 years?

Marilyn Manson.

What's the nastiest thing you ever said to a client?

"An acceptable agency/client relationship is either really fun or financially rewarding. This is neither."

Has shampoo ever given you an orgasm?

Only in a menage-a-trois with me and my hand.

What's your dream job?

I pinch myself daily.

You're pitching the Hanes Edible Panties account: What's your tagline?

"Melts in your mouth, not in your pants."

What's the most preposterous rock tour corporate sponsor and what's the name of the tour?

Jimmy Dean Sausages presents the Coldplay "Freezer Burn Tour."

If you decided to kill all the Keebler Elves, how would you do it?

Tell the Jolly Green Giant they gang-banged Sprout.

If you had an ad on the back of your fortune

cookie fortune, what would it say?

"Missing cat. Reward if returned alive."

What's the next Xtreme sport?

Driving supply trucks in Iraq.

What kind of guy buys a Hummer?

The kind of guy who can't get one for free.

What is Wendy's Dave Thomas doing in heaven?

Pestering Harlan Sanders for those 11 secret herbs and spices.

What will Kelley Osbourne be doing 10 years from now?

Marilyn Manson and Britney Spears.

What's the perfect piece of classic rock to pillage for a Trojans commercial?

Paul Anka's "Having My Baby."

Guess Michael Moore's weight.

Before Nov. 2, an 800 lb. gorilla. After, a 98 lb.


What does Donald Trump feed the mammal on his head?

Obviously not enough. It's getting thin.

What's the next job for Dan Rather?

If he learns Arabic, anchor of Al Jazeera.

If Howard Stern had his own satellite, what would it look like?

A long, skinny cylinder with gangly solar panels and a really small antenna.

What do you get if you cross Dave Chapelle with David LaChapelle?


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