The Kafka Questionnaire

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Are there any gay Clydesdales?

I doubt it. They wear those white socks past Labor Day.

What would your stage name be if you were a professional wrestler?

Unfortunately, I was born with a professional wrestling stage name.

What is Wendy's Dave Thomas doing in heaven?

Showing Clara Peller the beef.

What would you prescribe for Ashlee Simpson's terrible acid reflux problem?

A roll of Tums, in Milli Vanilli flavor.

Invent the most preposterous corporate name for a sports stadium.

The Tidy Bowl.

What's the perfect piece of classic rock to pillage for a Trojans commercial?

"50 Ways to Love Your Lever."

Now that there's an R&B star named Nivea, who's the next singer named after a product and what's the title of the first hit?

Olestra's "Leaky As I Wanna Be."

What's the next Xtreme sport?

Team lawn darts.

What's the next thing that needs to be microwaveable?


Now that he's in captivity, what is Saddam Hussein's favorite TV show?

CSI: Baghdad.

What's the worst package design of all time?

Babies. They leak, they don't turn off and you can't exchange them if you don't like the one you got.

What can be done to reverse the steep decline of the Miss America Pageant?

Allow Ping-Pong balls in the talent category.

How big a problem is steroid abuse in the World Chess Federation?

Huge. Bobby Fischer is really a woman.

Is the Pillsbury Doughboy really a boy?

Good question. Actually, he's been taking chess 'roids to add bulk.

Do you own a TiVo and do you skip all the


Yes, and all the while I'm fully appreciating that those commercials pay for my TiVo and everything else in my living room.

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