The Kafka Questionnaire

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After Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, what's the next movie title with a product placement?

The Burger King and I.

After R&B star Nivea, who's the next singer named after a product and what's the first hit?

Rap sensation Yoplait: "Xpiration Date" (aka "Dis Shit is Expired").

What are you allowed to eat on the Arnold Schwarzenegger diet?


Is the Six Flags Man good in bed?

He's better on the log ride.

What's your dream job?

Oompa Loompa.

Has shampoo ever given you an orgasm?

Close. I rinsed before things went too far.

You're pitching the Hanes Edible Panties account. What's your tagline?

"They're scrumdiddlyhumptious."

If you decided to kill all the Keebler Elves, how would you do it?

Thimbles full of Kool-Aid or a forest fire.

How do you tell the Olsen twins apart?

Ashley always holds Mary-Kate's hair for her.

What would Iron Chef Poland's outfit look like?

Like Iron Chef Italy's, only Poland wears his inside out and he doesn't know it.

What will Kelley Osbourne be doing 10 years from now?

Filing a paternity suit against her brother.

What's Noam Chomsky's first product endorsement?

Texas Instruments Speak 'n' Spell from the Junior Socialist Collection.

If Lemony Snicket were a sex act, what would it entail?

Rusty trombone meets dirty taco.

What do you see when you look up at the glass ceiling?

That I need to get my eyebrows waxed.

What should Prince Harry wear to his next costume party?

Something classy. Like a balaclava and a box cutter.

What will Mr. Wendy do for a living now that he's been pulled from Wendy's ads?

Unofficial Wal-Mart Greeter.

What would you prescribe for Ashlee Simpson's

terrible acid reflux problem?

Stop sticking your finger down your throat.

What product are you waiting to see on a 30-minute infomercial?

Edible tinsel. (For pets and not-all-there children.)

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