The Kafka Questionnaire

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What tune do you pray you never hear as a ringtone?

The "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" drum solo.

Name a song that is guaranteed to never be pillaged for a commercial.

"Love Theme From Schindler's List."

What's next for the Coors Twins?

Pay-per-view mud wrestling with the Olsen Twins.

If you decided to kill all the Keebler Elves, how would you do it?

Bake at 350 degrees for one hour.

What's the title of the next movie to be inspired by a theme park ride?

Quentin Tarantino's It's a Small World: Vol. 1.

Should Paris Hilton be deported?

No, just spayed.

There's actually a new jazz club in New York called Dizzy's Club Coca-Cola. Create an even worse name for a jazz club.

Dizzy's Club New Coke.

What can be done to reverse the steep decline of the Miss America Pageant?

Miss America Gone Wild! in Daytona Beach.

What would you prescribe for Ashlee Simpson's acid reflux problem?

A date with Tommy Lee.

What should Prince Harry wear to his next costume party?

Papal vestments.

What would you give to be on the Michael Jackson jury?

My firstborn son.

What should Christo wrap now that he's done with Central Park?

Tom DeLay's mouth.

What would you wear while reading Toni Bentley's memoir of anal sex, The Surrender?

A Scott Peterson mask.

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