The Kafka Questionnaire

Published on .

Owen Plotkin


The Now Corporation, N.Y.

How much did you miss NHL hockey?

About as much as I miss Abe Hirschfeld.

Did you ever actually see anyone eat Skittles?

No, but I've seen rainbow-colored poop in a burning paper bag on my doorstep.

What advertising needs is another awards show. What should it be called and what will the trophy look like?

The Nobel. A mirror.

Does Bill Gates carry a wallet?

No. Bill Gates hasn't personally paid for anything since 1987.

What's the most commonly overheard cellphone line after "Where you at?"?

"Turn around."

Name an even worse pair of leads for Fiddler on the Roof than Harvey Fierstein and Rosie O'Donnell.

Cornel West and Hazel Carby.

How did Larry King get hunched over like that?


Are you willing to pay to listen to Howard Stern?

I'd pay to hear him scream while he's being beaten senseless with defective silicone breast implants wielded by naked gay studs.

New Halloween product for 2006: Condi Candy. What does it taste like?

A burning Bush.

The Subservient Chicken has avian flu; what slogan will CP+B invent to spin this?

"Lie down with the Bird."

What's the slogan for the new WonderJock?

"I dreamt I had bigger balls in my new WonderJock."

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