The Kafka Questionnaire

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What would your name be if you were named after your first dog and the street you grew up on?

Snuffy Wolcott.

What's the next thing that needs to be microwaveable?

The Arby's Oven Mitt.

Would you stand on line for eight hours to see a George Lucas movie?

Only if Carrie Fisher is naked.

What could they do to liven up the Super Bowl halftime show?

Well, Carrie Fisher naked is a good start.

What's next for the Coors Twins?

A George Lucas movie with Carrie Fisher.

John Ashcroft: Boxers or briefs?

I reckon the true leader of the world's mightiest power goes commando.

How much KFC can Jason Alexander eat in one sitting?

Is this a trick question? All of it, right?

What kind of guy buys a Hummer?

Hugh Grant.

Create a new tourism slogan for Cleveland.

"Cleveland: Home of the three best minor league teams in sports."

What should McDonald's slogan really be?

"Pigeon McNuggets rule!"

Have you ever considered getting a Bill Bernbach tattoo?

I had one once, but we broke up. Then I fell for Alex Bogusky, and he got all upset about the tattoo. I won't make that mistake again.

Jared from the Subway spots: What should be done about him?

I can put a call in to my bud John Ashcroft . . .

Is there anything Tiger Woods can't sell?

Nope. If he goes to the U.N., France is sipping wine in Baghdad with us right now.

What's the Bush 2004 campaign slogan?

"Hey, c'mon, you people elected Schwarzenegger, for God's sake!"

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