The Kafka Questionnaire

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What's the next thing that needs to be microwaveable?


What's the nastiest thing you ever said to a client?

"Stop breathing on me."

Who would you like to see in the next Fox Celebrity Boxing special?

Margot Kidder vs. herself.

Do you own a TiVo and do you skip all the commercials?

Yes. I also like to rob myself outside of ATMs.

What's your dream job?


You're pitching the Hanes Edible Panties account: What's your tagline?

"Tastes like Laundry Day."

What's the most preposterous rock tour corporate sponsor and what's the name of the tour?

Niblets Presents: "Monsterz of Krunch."

What product are you waiting to see on a 30-minute infomercial?

Paris Hilton's Vaginal Rejuvenation Kit.

What's next for the Coors Twins?

Beer bellies.

Should Michael Jordan be cloned?

Only if I can play with it.

If you decided to kill all the Keebler Elves, how would you do it?

Roofies and a wood chipper.

What's the next Xtreme sport?

Rock climbing with your face.

What will be Ah-nuld's eventual presidential slogan?

"Me President good."

What should McDonald's slogan really be?

"You're not fat, just big boned."

What is Wendy's Dave Thomas doing in heaven?

Trying to bend his halo into a square.

What's the tagline for Uncle Ben's Condoleezza Rice?

"A WMD in every box!"

Do you know anybody who actually watches all the commercials?

Hospital patients in traction, whose able-bodied roommates have fallen asleep on the remote.

What's the Bush 2004 campaign slogan?

"It kan't git any worsealated!"

What would you get if you crossed Martha Stewart with Rosie O'Donnell?

A humorless rectangle with hockey hair.

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