What the Hell is Going on Here?

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The prize: A free bootleg recording of Tom Carvel reading The Story of O. The ad: This spoonless wonder, mysteriously headlined "Thank God she's late," for Haagen-Dazs. The verdict: Pregnancy tests, folks. Almost nothing but pregnancy tests. So many freakin' preg tests we had to open a Planned Parenthood kiosk in our cube.

It's a nifty container for a home pregnancy test.

Eva Finn, [email protected]

Eva, you didn't even include the part about peeing into the container and watching the caramel turn green, but we're running your entry as the only representative of the pregnancy test deluge, simply because you tell us you work at The T&O Group. Ovaries are so sexy!

He's taking a peek at the Lilliputian bachelorettes, fresh from Pamela Anderson's bikini golf tournament, that he has hidden in the carton. That would explain his slightly guilty expression, and his obvious relief over the fact that his mother's big honkin' minivan is stuck in traffic.

Lauren Brook, [email protected]

Lauren, let us tell you something important about men. If a guy has a bunch of Pamela Anderson-like homunculettes trapped in an ice cream carton, he's just not gonna give a rat's ass if they're married. Like, what are the tiny husbands gonna do, key his loafers?

For couples having trouble conceiving, those trips to the fertility clinic get damn expensive. The man's affordable alternative: hold a nice cold pint of Haagen-Dazs in your crotch to cool down the testes and get that sperm count soaring.

Vincent Zito, [email protected]

Vince, this is exactly what they do at the fertility clinic, assuming you have a good HMO. You go to the city-run clinic, they give you a friggin' bowl of chilled lime Jell-O.

He's been choking down a sperm-enhancing diet of Manwiches, but the empty ice cream container is the telltale sign that one of his little squigglies made it.

Todd Anthony, [email protected]

Todd, those are wigglies. If yours are squiggling, get them checked out at the clinic. But more important, a Manwich is a hot, sloppy thing that sits in your gut like lead and warms up your whole body. You eat nothing but Manwiches, especially if you wear tight briefs, you couldn't impregnate the Little Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe.

He's glad she's late because his jimmy has gone into hiding due to its close proximity to the frozen confection.

Jeff Jurevic, [email protected]

Yeah, but at the same time his sperm count is way up. One of the cruel ironies of maleness, huh Jeff? We should discuss this some time over a Manwich.

The ol' hole-in-the-bottom-of-the-ice-cream-box trick, eh? A tad cold, but what the hey, he's still hot enough to avoid the dreaded shrinkage.

Bill Kelly, [email protected]

Bill, be serious. If you were gonna use ice cream for that, would you spring for Haagen-Dazs?

Joe tells everything to his little friend who lives in the container. He is a good friend. Joe always puts the lid back on when he is done. He doesn't want to lose his little friend.

Mary and Len Frost

[email protected]

We just love couples' entries, and what an appropriate surname! Len, any shrinkage problems? Anyway, Joe has nothing to worry about. His little friend is in there with the sperm count of a rutting buck and a bunch of stacked Lilliputian bachelorettes. He's not going anywhere.

Just as men drink milk straight from the carton, they also eat ice cream straight from the container (men even forgo spoons in order to eliminate a utensil to be washed). But when the container is nearly empty, the man must squeeze the bottom between his knees, expelling the dessert like toothpaste from its tube.

Vince Verdooren, [email protected]

Vince, you're on to something. In fact, eating right out of the container at our house is called a face cone. Maybe Haagen-Dazs can just add fluoride to their ice cream and we can brush with it.

Looks like he's trying to melt the ice cream with the heat between his legs, so he can drink it, since he doesn't have a spoon.

Tania Gomez, [email protected]

Tania, congratulations. See, people? A nice, simple, completely plausible explanation, and it rings so true, since guys love to heat up food between their legs. Who needs a microwave? Our Uncle Roy once actually emergency-defrosted a Thanksgiving turkey with his thighs. Tania, the Tom Carvel tape is yours. But we warn you, after hearing it you'll never be able to eat another Fudgie the Whale.

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