What the Hell is Going on Here?

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The prize: A free Sharper Image calculator spoon. The ad: This bowl with bazooms for Shredded Wheat, in which the babe is merely "8% substantial." The verdict: A foul barrage of implant jokes, oral-sex outrages and lactation cracks. What part of family publication do you people not understand?

The "8% substantial" could refer to the genuine goods, neglecting to mention the 65% implants and 27% liposuction. Or maybe we have a 100% chance of scoring some Shredded Wheat as opposed to an 8% chance of scoring with a babe of these proportions.

James Montgomery, [email protected]

Jim, you're one of many entrants who feels this model is not sporting her own God-given chest, but maybe you've seen the ad only in our reduced rendering. We've studied the full page at some length, and we can assure you, she's Mr. Whipple's dreamgirl.

With apologies to Clarence Thomas: "Post Shredded Wheat. Never a pubic hair on our biscuits!"

David Burleigh, [email protected]

Dave, never apologize to Clarence Thomas. You sure won't be hearing any "I'm sorry" from his Long Dong Silver-lovin' ass when he and the rest of the Fascist Five cuff you behind your back for having your shoe untied. You can bet the seatbelt ruling is just the beginning.

The above photograph is shown to us at 8% actual size, which crops out the Stock Market logo. At the bottom of the page we see the same photograph at 100%. Note the fleshy background. Apparently she has a bowl of Shredded Wheat in her navel.

Steve Tredennick, [email protected]

Very perceptive, Steve. Our close inspection reveals this woman is either a freak or her navel has been Photoshopped into something truly grotesque. If she got a bellybutton piercing, it would be the size of a horseshoe.

My 8th grade bio teacher once said that the human body, bikinied or otherwise, is comprised of up to 92% water. Shredded Wheat has absolutely no moisture at all, to which anyone who has ever tried to choke down a biscuit of the wretched stuff can attest.

Rik Shafer, [email protected]

So what's the problem? You can eat Post Shredded Wheat secure in the knowledge it doesn't contain any human flesh. What a great USP!

Another attempt by Republican conservatives to devalue women. It's bad enough that women are unequal to men, but now they can't even match up against really bland breakfast cereal.

Vince Verdooren, [email protected]

Unless they're pregnant. Thanks to the Republicans, soon it'll be a felony to even insult a fetus. "God, Carol, what do you have in there, a hippo? I've never seen anyone that big in their fourth month." Then you're cuffed behind your back.

Introducing Blondies. Air-puffed and combed to your liking. A fine by-product from Merkin Breakfast Salons. Debbie Harry's so old now she's coming out with her own line of signature Metamucil.

Ron Thompson, [email protected]

She's also redoing her old hits for the senior set. The new album will include: "Heart of Gas"; "Call Me (An Ambulance)"; "X-ray Offender"; and "Rupture."

It's 8% of your income to rent this girl, and 100% of your outcome if you eat this every day.

Patricia and Alec Clark, [email protected]

This is so cute! Our first couple's entry! Pat and Alec, what's the 1008 for? It's not your combined weight, is it?

Proof that sex is overrated: If she can't satisfy you through lunch, no one can. With a few minor changes, this'll make a great abstinence ad.

Steve Yoder, [email protected]

Like replacing the babe with a nude pic of Clarence Thomas? Excuse us, we're getting cuffed now.

I know I've often opined to my compatriots, "If only I could find a substantial woman. A woman not unlike that delightfully bran-chocked Post Shredded Wheat." These musings are often followed by hardy guffaws and much slapping of the collective patella. Then we usually get drunk on Clorox/Robitussin cocktails and watch squirrel porn.

Jason Fox, [email protected]

Jason, why ruin a perfectly good Roby on the rocks with Clorox? But you could drink straight bleach and still get off on Hide My Nuts. We've watched this damn video nine times and it just keeps getting better. We were gonna keep the calculator spoon, but you take it, maybe it'll cheer you up a bit. Geez, it must be tough getting around. Exactly how many of you are sharing the same knee?

This Month's Contest

Win a free bag of crisps!

We've never heard of `em, but there's a British clothier called Ben Sherman, whose clothes, or at least the shirts, are "Cut from a different cloth." OK, fine. So what's with the bulldog wearing Cher's earrings and Dolly Parton's eye makeup? Since when is this "British styling, British attitude," as the tag would have it? The website offers no clue. Throw us a funnybone at [email protected]_sprintmail.com. _Contest not open to Prince Charles' groupie(s)!

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