What the Hell is Going On Here?

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The prize: A Franklin Mint 100% enamel replica of Marcel Duchamp's famous signed urinal. The ad: This bladder-buster for Pull-Ups training pants. The verdict: So few people can follow directions nowadays. Isn't it sad? We ask for an aphorism involving a bodypart and an internal organ and instead we get the kind of bathroom humor found scrawled on the stalls in the White House men's room.

"You know what they say: `Small strategy, big mess.' " This ad needs a changing.

Tina Duque Corbett [email protected]

We got quite a number of these bad-ad adages, none of which, of course, contains the two essential elements you were asked to include in your entries, people. Tina, we've chosen you to do penance for this group. Wear a Depends to work for the next four weeks - outside your clothes. No cheating!

Remember, "Knees rhymes with pees." OK, so I used a bodily function rather than an internal organ . . . ya gonna piss in my ear?!

Eric Solstein, [email protected]

No, Eric, we're gonna thank you for following the directions to the point where you actually mentioned at least a bodypart. In fact, you mentioned two bodyparts. However, if you insist, send your ear over, we'll accommodate you, and we'll send it right back. We're very loyal to our entrants.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPeeeee. (Whoops, I just 'membered, may I leave the room?)

Albert Segal, [email protected]

Albert, seems your inner child needs a Ritalin Happy Meal. Not only may you leave the room, please leave the state.

"You know what they say: `Receding hairline, receded testicle.' Introducing the BallDropper line of pliers, wrenches and assorted shivs from Craftsmen."

Jason Fox, [email protected]

Come see the softer side of Sears, huh?

"You know what they say: `I'm up to h-ear with heartstring-tugging kid pix.' "

Robert E. McGowan, [email protected]

Bob, nice attempt to waltz around the rules. But we can't declare this entry legal until we analyze your urine sample. If you don't have a specimen jar, feel free to use Eric's ear.

"You know what they say: `Big, round, bouncy boobs in the male creative director's face, big raise.' " Guess how I made it to senior copywriter.

Laura Black, [email protected]

We have no idea, Laura. Can you show us? Like, a thousand times?

Is there any comforting folk-saying for thick, luscious ear hair? Please? I'm only 26 years old.

Jeremy Harper, [email protected]

Yes, there is, Jeremy. "The thicker and more luscious the ear hair, the thicker and more luscious the buttocks." Don't you feel better now?

If the kid is smart enough to pull her diapers on and off, shouldn't she be smart enough not to pee in them?

Jeff Neely, [email protected]

Jeff, don't ever work in a daycare center, OK? And please make sure your health insurance covers a vasectomy.

I guess this is the way Urethra Franklin started out.

Scott Vermillion, [email protected]

Show a little R-E-S-Pee-E-C-T, Scott. Hey, Albert, good one or what!?

"Sniff, sniff, gag." Scented candles @ stinkfree.com.

Tyler A. Bullock, [email protected]s

Hello, Tyler? Are you the guy who designed the Florida paper ballot?

"You know what they say: `A big mouth makes you that big ass.' Join the Obnoxious Dieters Workshop."

Craig Morgan, [email protected]

Craig, there's nothing internal here. Unless this is a Richard Simmons infomercial, in which case we'll give you `rectum' by default.

"The way to a man's heart is through his ribcage. Basko Russian-made stainless steel commando knives."

David Johnson, [email protected]

Dave, our distinguished panel of judges has concluded that the ribcage does indeed qualify as a bodypart, so you win, for actually following the rules. OK, you'd win anyway, `cause you're clearly one of those nuts with an arsenal in his basement, just waiting for his fuse to light, and we don't wanna tick you off. So enjoy your Duchamp urinal, but please, don't beat anyone to death with it.

This Month's Contest

Win a free DVD copy of that great American classic Dirty Little Billy!

The product is called Horny Goat Weed. No kidding. The headline is the utterly flaccid, "How's your love life?" The most provocative line of copy is, "For life and love in the fast lane." The tag: "Do the weed and you'll succeed." This ad is in dire need of a rewrite. So fearlessly flex your ibex at [email protected] Contest not open to the sexually sheepish!

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