The Kafka Questionnaire

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What piece of classic rock would you buy to sell a pregnancy test kit?

"Break On Through (To the Other Side)". Or "Mama Told Me Not To Come."

Devise a mathematical formula that calculates the dimensions of the typical creative director's ego.

The number of trips where Claudia at the Four Seasons knows your name, divided by the number of Lucite awards you actually display in your office, equals the number of times you feel compelled to tell your Pytka story.

What will be the title of your best-selling autobiography?

What I Meant Was . . .

Whatever happened to the Gorton's Fisherman?

Wasn't he in one of those I Know What You Did Last Summer movies?

How come no one ever actually drinks beer in American beer commercials?

It's American beer.

What kind of people are in your dream focus group?

Shameless sycophants.

What product besides Diet Dr Pepper could use the slogan "Tastes more like the original"?


What dot-com should Gary Coleman endorse?

Any of the five that are left.

If you started a rap group, what would be your stage name?

MC John Brockenbrough.

What ad campaign would you most like to see end?

None of them. Keep the cacophony dialed up.

What retired ad campaign would you like to see reinvigorated?

All of them. The more cacophony, the better.

What product could an Elton John/Eminem duet sell?

They both seem like they're trying pretty hard to sell themselves at the moment.

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