What the Hell is Going on Here?

Published on .

The ad: This please-no-maw for Absolut. The prize: Your own Delirium Tremens Telethon. The verdict: There's only one thing Americans hate more than Jerry Lewis: the French.

Looks like Jerry has launched a subtle self-promotional campaign for the Alice Kramden Award. What we don't see is where he's put the bottle.

Howard Sherman

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We guess that's why Ralph used to say, "To the moon, Alice."

Obviously, the cup's there to prevent any excess formaldehyde from staining the rented tux.

Mark Drossman

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Same reason Larry King, Jerry's personal ego masseur, doesn't even bother wearing a jacket.

If this is humor, Jerry, maybe women can be funny.

Jed Golden

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Now wait a minute, Jed. Jerry apologized for claiming that women can't be funny. And if women can be funny, how come there's not a single chick at this company who even so much as smiled when we asked her to audition for the What the Hell Flygirls? The costume wasn't that skimpy.

I think the obvious solution to stopping this ad is to have a telethon. We can have Geena Davis host it in the nude.

Gene Albamonte

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Geena Davis in the nude is a wonderful idea, Gene. Since women can't be funny, they might as well be 6 feet tall, beautiful and naked. Let's just hope the sight of her gives Ed McMahon a heart attack at the start of the show.

Here Mr. Lewis demonstrates a technique he once used on Uncle Miltie.

Jim Scott

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In fact, since women can't be funny, Milton Berle will be co-hosting the Stop This Ad Telethon in drag.

This ad will win every award at Cannes. And in 30 years they'll remake it with Eddie Murphy.

Jason Fox

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Yeah, it'll win the Hairy Palm d'Or. And in 30 years, Eddie Murphy will be dead, suffocated in a horrible prosthetics mishap on the set of The Gumps, Part 23.

"Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you" - Jerry Lewis to Dean Martin.

Kit Dana

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Well, he'll have to do better than this, Kit, `cause Dean is floating in a hermetically sealed coffin-sized container of Cutty Sark.

Excuse me, nurse, could you please change Jerry's drool glass?

James Wintraub

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No need for that, Perrier will be happy to bottle it.

I can't say I get it, but our intern from France is still rolling on the floor.

Craig Morgan

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Craig, you have a French intern with a sense of humor? Can you ask her if she'd like to join the What the Hell Les Femmes du L'Air?

"Hey, Dean! Hey, Dean! So I see this lady, this nice, pretty lady, nyah-nyah-nyah, at the baaaaar and I says, `Kiss me , pretty, nice laaaadyyyyy.' So she says, `Sure, little man. Just close your eyes and pucker up real good.' "

Alan Rosenfeld

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It was Milton Berle in drag.

This is the most popular advertisement that has ever appeared in France, and it's being hailed as a work of unparalleled genius. In fact, there's a movement to have it installed in the Louvre.

Joe Nagy

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Actually, this ad, along with the rest of Jerry's oeuvre magnifique , will be exhibited at the Pompadour Centre.

Mr. Lewis is pictured during his nightly ritual to drain excess Vitalis that has soaked into his cranium.

Gary Tipton

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This is a winner, Gary, our beret is off to you. Despite the fact that Jerry's wet head is dead, there are indeed gallons of fossil fuel oil steeped deep in his brainpan, which, upon his bodily demise, will be squeezed into a special "Nutty Professor" Waldorf salad dressing offered at participating Au Bon Pain franchises. Enjoy your telethon, and good luck on getting Geena Davis to host. Just don't expect her to be funny.

This Month's Contest

Join Leonard Nimoy on an all-expenses-paid quest to find out why `Grape-Nuts' is hyphenated!

Brown sugar bumpies. Airy O's. Round `n rounds. Whole wheat winners. Oh Kay's. These are some of the nicknames people allegedly have for Post Grape-Nuts O's, a cereal we've never even heard of. Now, you must do two things, stalwart readers: Offer your own explanation for that which is known as Brown Sugar Bumpies and any of the other aforementioned monikers, and give us your own pet name for O's. If this is a problem, give us the best name you've got for a new hit cereal, and name your own ingredients. Feel your oats at [email protected] Contest not open to the lactose intolerant!

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