"Be there in Berkshire." Tag: "Fine hosiery since 1906." This well-dressedwoman seems to be on a highway overpass. In the background is a small building with what appears to be a big satellite dish on the roof. Who is she and what's the connection between stockings and alien abduction? Send your probing answers to [email protected] Contest not open to little green transvestites!

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The prize: A quilt that Sid Vicious passed out on. The ad: This uncombed Puffy for Harmony House. The verdict: If you were wondering whatever became of pint-sized Panamanian potentate Manuel Noriega, well, wonder no more.

After Mike Tyson finished bashing in this poor bastard's face, he bit off his ear. That's why he wishes he was a seamstress. And without that ear, how the hell is he supposed to listen to music?

Mike Frederick

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So he'll listen in mono, duh. Tyson, by the way, wishes he was a drycleaner. That's why he calls himself Iron Mike.

A bored hack discovers a stock photo of a bizarre looking man with his pie-hole tied up with fishing wire. He uses it in an ad for a massage parlor with the headline, "Need to loosen up?" No one buys it. He moves on. After staring at the photo for a while, he notices it kind of looks like Manuel Noriega, but he can't think of a line. The rest is history.

Andrew Conroy

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You'd be surprised how many people identified this guy as Noriega. You people know a Pinochet from a pinot noir, and we love you for it. On the other hand, nobody, not a single soul, wrote in with a Singer sewing machine joke. Since when has the too-obvious stopped you, folks? Anyway, this is the only entry from the Noriega invasion we'll run, because we want to know one thing, Andy: Who wrote the line?

This is one of those genetically modified pineapples that Monsanto has been trying to shove down our throats lately. These babies drive the mosquitoes crazy. Favorite song: "There's a Hole in the Bucket."

Mary Frost

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Mary, after the pineapple part we don't understand your entry at all, but we've decoded that sequence of numbers in your address -- you sly flygirl! -- and yes, we'll marry you.

Wishes he was a seamstress? I bet this poor bastard wishes he wouldn't have fallen for that same old "Catch the football, Willie" Simpsons gag that we've all seen done so many times before. Remember pal, Fox is the other Learning Channel.

Mike Sweere

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So that makes the WB the third C-SPAN?

This has to be an ad for one of those new dot.com job recruitment sites specializing in freelance creative directors who desire a sex change. How else do you do you explain "Wishes he was a seamstress" and the "20 percent off all CDs all the time"?

Charley Brough

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Charley, did you figure this on a calculator? A sex change with only 20 percent off? Isn't that more like a deluxe bris?

He's groovy and his music is, too. His current fave: "O Sew on Mio."

Provident Advertising

[email protected]

So the entire agency chipped in with this doozy? You think maybe Cheapshit Advertising would be a better name?

I used to do this to my finger with a piece of string when I was a kid. I'd wrap it as tight as I could, until my whole hand turned white and I could barely stand the pain, and then I'd unwrap it and the blood would rush back in and it felt so good. Sometimes I'd even pass out. My parents would just laugh and say, "Wow, you're going to make one hell of a seamstress someday."

Jane Roper

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Splort! That was the sound of the ball gag popping out of our mouth. Jane, forget the seamstress bit, you're going to make one hell of a dominatrix, and we don't mean someday, we mean tonight. How soon can you get here? You can't miss us, we're the one chained under the table in the conference room.

The music genre is country blues, as confirmed by the dueling banjos mug of Johnny Cash. Seems he got quite the guitar string lashing from Muddy Waters.

Chris Watson

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Yeah, when "Mannish Boy" Muddy heard Johnny sing "A Boy Named Sue," he lost it. It's a guy thing.

See what happens when anybody but Jimmy Page attempts "Stairway to Heaven" on one of those double-necked guitars? Broken strings flying everywhere. It's not a pretty sight.

Jon Shore

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It's even dangerous around Page. You didn't buy that crap about how John Bonham died, did you, man?

This is easy. Seamstress is a skin-sewing band that got its inspiration from Silence of the Lambs, and this guy is a hard-core groupie.

Shelley Risk

[email protected]

Shelley, you're a brand new What the Hell player, but you're already 100 percent vested! We also checked out your AOL profile -- Mary, the wedding's off. Anyhoo, we were gonna give your vomit-stained quilt to a homeless man, Shel, but he already had one. So prepare to sleep in style, girlfriend!

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