What the Hell is Going on Here? Leather and Lust

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The prize: A Bud lizardskin jockstrap. The ad: This reptilian revel for Reebok. The verdict: An outpouring of unrepentant filth, mostly from brand new female contestants. There's something about an old, flabby, hairy guy in sneakers and no socks that brings out the animal in you babes - and we respect you deeply for that.

Leapin' lizards! It's the biggest Dodd I've ever seen!

Tiffany Bridgeman

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Tiffany, this is Steve Dodds. You must be confusing him with Johnny Dodd, who starred in Behind the Green Gecko. But since you mention that your official title is copywench, who cares? Is your partner an art tart?

Steve Dodds wrote the book on interspecies breeding and Komodo genital stimulation.

Rita Rivera

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Yes Rita, it's an Oprah selection, but we checked with Crain Standards & Practices - this is a family publication, after all - and you can't say `genitals.' Please call them `skeevy-jeevies' in the future. Thanks.

I can't help but wonder if whatever he's doing will produce an offspring. I also wonder if that offspring's you-know-what will have the ability to regenerate, if pulled off.

John Gerboth

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Rita told us she was a traffic coordinator (or a traffic trollop, as they're known at Tiffany's shop), but as an ad writer, John knows how to handle language in a judicious manner. The you-know-what is exactly what we're supposed to call that particular skeevy-jeevy, according to S&P. Nice work, man.

Take a closer look: That's Jim Morrison! The Lizard King lives!

Tom Wirt

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Well, whatever the hell's going on here, it isn't The Soft Parade.

Reebok enters the condom business! Their new condom is tough enough for a man but made for a reptile (with special snakeskin scales for extra pleasure).

Cynthia Maniglia

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Cindy, we're a beta-tester for the DMX condom line, and it's the bullfrog's-throat reservoir tip and the special salamander-sweat lubrication that really makes these muthas rock. So what's with that address? You got a matching sister, or is that your bed preference?

Man, this ad brings back memories. I haven't seen a giant Komodo Dragon-shaped bong like that since I was in college at Ohio University. If you look closely, you can see a hint of smoke escaping through his teeth.

David Pollner

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Dave, get outta here with this. That's his bronto-breath escaping through his teeth. And if you put the `high' in Ohio, according to the Partnership you should have the memory of Ronald Reagan, so what the hell would you know about your college days?

After Cheech Marin leaves him for Don Johnson, Tommy Chong forms the new comedy team Komodo & Chong.

Wendi Aarons

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OK, Dave, maybe you were right. And Wendi, you seem to know a lot about rock comedy. What's your title? Creative groupie head?

Steve, where have you been all my life? Meet me at 8. Leave your friend at home, and please wash.

Kristan Early

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Kristan, you must've heard a million early-to-bed jokes, but we're above that trash. Steve can't make it, though, he's getting his beard braided. We'll be over at 7:55, so we can get in five minutes of foreplay.

Komodo Dragons are still on the endangered species list, and this one committed suicide soon after this ad was shot. Shame on you, Reebok. What's next? A bald eagle fondled by a naked, greasy Janet Reno?

Earl Buck

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Earl, not only has Janet Reno never been greasy, she's never been naked. She wasn't even born naked. And you expect us to buy a name like Earl Buck? What are you, Pearl Buck after a sex change?

Trapped in a sweet embrace, Steve wondered why he'd had the sudden urge to mouth the words "iguana vacuum" through the glass of the Iggy exhibit during the Nudist Hairy Bastard Conference at the Aquarium. Try it! Silently mouth "iguana vacuum" to anyone. Instant date/mate.

Anette Young

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Thanks a bundle, Anette. We did this all around the office, and all we got was instant detention in Human Resources for something called osculatory harassment. And put that `n' back in your name!

Sorry, but I thought the man in the ad was Lee Clow.

Charley Brough

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Nothing to apologize for, Charley, that is Lee Clow, caught in a typically modest moment as he prepares to hit the Pacific with his new extreme surfboard. Hang 11, Lee!

The secret to the durability of the Classic Marathon Racer is old-guy foreskin. Years of kinky Komodo action have worn it to a perfect leather-like consistency. This naturally supple and surprisingly aromatic material keeps you going when the going gets hard.

Christy Parker

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Christy, you ain' no copywench, you da copyho, girl! This may be the funkiest entry we've ever received, except for the one that had an attached smell file. Never mind that the official S&P-approved term is `prepuce,' and no, that's not the color something is before it turns to puce. We're sure you're gonna look fabulous in a lizardskin jock, and you damn well better send us a Polaroid.

This Month's Contest

Win a free pint of Half & Half, only recently expired!

There's this new line of hideous boxer shorts called Uglies, see, where each half of the shorts is in a different design, thereby causing them to clash so outrageously that "They're so ugly, she'll beg you to take them off." Nice slogan. But what pretext did the guy use to get his pants off in the first place? And what if you have a literal blind date? And why are hers still on? Undress for success at [email protected] Contest not open to schizophrenic underwear models!

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