What the hell is going on here?

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The prize: A free jar of Spanish flies. The ad: This sign-your-horniness-on-the-dotted-line for Old Spice body spray. The verdict: Geriatric hoopla and a whole lot of penis jokes. You might call it a hung jury. Or as Liza Minnelli said re Jacko's baby-on-the-balcony trick, "The word 'dangle' is what I would look into."

After a woman follows the directions to my crotch, will she shake well before using?

Fred Stesney, [email protected]

Dude, you have a bigger (you wish we meant it that way) concern: what's the expiration date on that thing?

Spray all you want. The only direction women will be looking in is down - at the can stuck in your pants.

Daniel Marosi, [email protected]

Sticking a can in your pants, or, for that matter, up your butt, is now considered cool. Did you know that Johnny Knoxville's real name is Phil Clapp? Actually, it's Phil Gonorrhea, but he couldn't spell it.

I just wanted to let you know I proudly drive a 1989 Ford Escort LX. But while I may be a beer-guzzling Pennsylvanian, I've never had a Keystone. Nor have I ever doused my genitals with Old Spice.

Jason Price, [email protected]

Jason, you have it reversed. If you haven't got cheap cologne breath and a nice case of bargain basement beer balls, then how can you be proudly driving an '89 Escort?

My mother is a senior citizen named Rosemary, and she's pissed off you barred her from the Old Spice contest. She prefers Spanish flies over Viagra, but she's so old she can't catch 'em anymore. She says you're sexist, ageist and nomenist.

David Rockwell, [email protected]

Gee, Dave, your mom sounds like a real good time. Can you slap a fresh Depends on her and let us take her to the senior prom? We'll bring the Fixodent so she can bob for apples.

"A Viagra-infused adhesive lubricant."

Rachele McGinty-Mock, [email protected]

Rach, are you a psychic? This must be the answer to a question we haven't asked yet: What does Bob Dole lick stamps with? Or is this what Dave's mom uses to keep her teeth in?

I hope there's hair in that can!

Martin T. Keeler, [email protected]

Sorry, Marty, we just don't understand this entry. Is it a punchline to a joke you overheard at a proctologists' convention? Rach, what's the rest of the joke?

Throw in a little fertilizer, hand it out during sex-ed class and Rogaine has a new target audience: prepubescent boys.

Holly McAllister, [email protected]

Marty, we got it, it's brilliant! Thanks, Hol! Another psychic! You should get together with Rach and predict what everybody in advertising will be doing when TiVo sells 30 million units and it's out, out damned spot.

So the directions on the can must include, "Take the woman's head by hair (or ears) and drag her nose over sprayed parts. Direct as desired."

Jack Richmond, [email protected]

In certain Islamic countries that's considered a date, Jack. But don't worry, everything'll be OK as soon as Pretzel Boy replaces Saddam with the Brawny Paper Towel Man.

This reminds me of that well-known Borscht Belt refrain: "A little song, a little dance, a little Old Spice down your pants."

James Wintraub, [email protected]

Actually, Jim, that goes "A bissel songala, a bissel danceala, a bissel Old Spiceala down your pantsala." We just heard it at the Nevele, except now it's rapped to an Eddie Fisher loop by Joe Lieberman, who's working under the name MC Shpilkes.

Who are they kidding? Women never follow directions.

Ron Logan, [email protected]

We hope you're wrong, man. 'Cause if you're not, Dave's mom won't be wearing a polyvinyl corrective bustier, surgical fishnet pantyhose and orthopedic whoopie wedgies to the prom.

Great idea! Now if I could just get this big arrow pointing to my crotch, which I drew in permanent marker, to come off.

Thor Rosenquist, [email protected]

Thor, you win. And Bob Dole will have that arrow off in a jiffy. Just scrawl "You are here" under it, he's old, he gets confused and you know how men hate to ask for directions. And so we retire this contest, after six fun-filled years. A hearty thanks to everyone who participated. Coming soon: What The Hell: The Movie.

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