What the Hell is Going On Here?

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The prize: An hour of free phone sex. The ad: This teasingly-topped hottie for Jabra hands-free communication. The verdict: The usual filthy-minded fun forays. Vibrating phones, obscene calls, Cameron Diaz hair gel jokes and, for that lighter touch, brain tumor humor. Our happy hats are off to all of you.

It's simple science. When you squeeze one part of the body into something so tight (the bustier), something has to give somewhere else. The head bumps are covered by the smart-looking skullcap.

T.J. Bennett, [email protected]

So how come Jennifer Lopez doesn't look pregnant with twins all the time?

Finally, a new twist on the "Milk Mustache" campaign. I understand they've booked Patrick Stewart to wear the Udder Hat in the next ad.

Bob Isenberg, [email protected]

Capt. Picard take endorsement cash?! You must be confusing him with Patrick Ewing and Martha Stewart, who have both guzzled lacto-lucre, though Martha had to return her fee when it was discovered she had an insider's "teat sheet," with classified Dairy Association milking forecasts.

EarGel? Jabra, the slut.

Steve Solether, [email protected]

Yeah, Steve, like you don't want some of that wookie.

Felix the Cat reveals his true identity and sex-changing style.

Ariel Penn, [email protected]

Felix the Cat? Doesn't this look a bit more like Gumby? Hey, Steve, wouldn't you like to give her a little Pokey?

The babe eyes the oversized display model of the EarGel earpiece in a Jabra store and mistakes it for a hat.

Richelle Blind, [email protected]

You could be right. Oliver Sacks, who won a Nobel Prize for his beard, wrote a book about this.

Summer Olympics, Athens, 2004: The women's swimming events are dominated by French babes with super-aerodynamic, mutant horned heads . . .

Dan Laven,

[email protected]

No way. The French don't even have an Olympic team. They only swim in Perrier.

Jabra was founded in the '90s as a lingerie company, but its unique gel support technology was quickly thwarted in the marketplace by the Wonderbra. So they went to hands-free communication.

Cynthia Maniglia,[email protected]

All true. The Ja Bra was a marvel of German engineering. Over there, by the way, they call the Wonderbra the Wunderbra.

Thanks to her handy hands-free Jabra phone and the quick response of Madrid's fire department, bulimic supermodel Shazaliala had her head lubed up and out of the toity in no time.

Kyle Jones, [email protected]

In Spain, incidentally, the Ja Bra was available with Si cups.

She's the Jabra mascot. She'll present awards at halftime shows, stand next to winners of car races, hold giant checks . . .

Kristin Palla, [email protected]

She will, until she's abducted by a gang of Smurfs and forced to waitress in a topless Belgian waffle house.

I've looked at this woman over and over, but I haven't noticed anything on her head.

Mike Bohrer, [email protected]

Mike, please, put it away. That's not what we mean by hands-free communication. However, you win. Don't ask why, just be thankful. We're even throwing in a two-year subscription to Teen Modern Maturity.

This Month's Contest

Win a free weekend in Cher's dressing room!

Anyone drink Cointreau? The tag tells us it's got "The spirit of orange inside." Yet this brunette appears to have it outside. Who is she and where'd she get that dress? More important, the tiny headline reads, "So many taboos, so little time." That must be the "Cointreauversial" part. What taboos is this chick breaking? Why is her Cointreau bottle so damn huge? Is that a busted taboo? Make your pips squeak at [email protected] Contest not open to Vitamin C or her family!

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