What the Hell is Going On Here?

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The prize: Everything in Calista Flockhart's fridge. The ad:This baffling Skechers endorsement from none other than Robert Downey Jr. The verdict: Handcuffs, parole hearings, drug-crazed confusion . . . A vicious felonious assault on poor Mr. Downey, who's taking more abuse than Tobias ever got at Oz. Keep up the good work, folks.

From the position of his hands, this is obviously a picture of a man who has bent over one too many times in the shower at the state penitentiary.

Bert Hesse, [email protected]

Which is why Old Spice invented soap on a rope. The irony is, they won't let inmates use it 'cause they might hang themselves. You just can't win in the slammer. Still, it's such a great place for getting buff.

That's no bath mat. It's today's supply of blow.

Andrew Badalamenti, [email protected]

Close. Actually, it's a bath mat coated in blow, which is now being sold under the Coca Accents label at Bed, Bath & Beyond. This store is finally living up to its name.

The meeting: "We need to align ourselves with someone who is on the edge, yet sensible. Just like the client's brand. Someone who would, say, smoke a whole bunch of crack on the streets, yet be sensible enough to break into a house when he needed a place to pass out. Any ideas?"

Dan Kennedy, [email protected]

Frankly, Dan, we'd be honored to find Bob unconscious in our bed. Can you imagine all the drugs in his pockets?!

See the look on his face? Obviously Calista has caught him hiding a double cheese Whopper behind his back.

Gary Tipton, [email protected]

This anorexic Calista Flockhart thing is getting out of hand. Like, have you seen Celine Dion lately? Assuming she wasn't standing sideways?

Here's hoping Mormonism chic takes off!

Robert Stillman, [email protected]

We have no idea what this means, but it's pretty damn clear that Mormonism chic has already taken off big time. What "-ism" can compete with a bunch of pot-bellied, hick-bearded shmendricks in flannel shirts who need four months just to make one sexual tour of their wives?

The next campaign will feature R. Kelly posing with a VCR.

Julia Laricheva, [email protected]

After that he's going to Sing Sing, but the good news is he can take the lead in the prison production of Urinetown.

The real question is how did Downey tie his tie with his hands still cuffed behind his back? Explain that, David Blaine.

Steve Mark, [email protected]

Blaine hasn't got the time to explain anything, he's working on his next exciting stunt. He's gonna spend 92 hours perched on David Copperfield's head.

Finally banned from the Betty Ford Clinic due to recidivism, Robert Downey Jr. checks into the Martha Raye Clinic of lower San Dimas. He continues working hard, though unsuccessfully, to complete Step 1: housebreaking.

Andy Odum, [email protected]

Andy, you crossed a line, son. This is a cutting-edge advertising publication. Martha Raye's Polident commercials are revered over here. We're such fans we even bought her friggin' dentures on eBay. So watch it.

Original spokesman Fred Rogers backed out at the last minute.

Joe Clifford Faust, [email protected]

Yeah, 'cause he was too ripped to stand up. Like, you have any doubt Fred's been getting his drugs through the mail for 30 years? You know anyone else who knows their postman by name? Dr. Feelgood/Mr. McFeely: you getting our drift, Joe?

Finally, truth in advertising. I've only purchased one pair of Skechers in my life, and they squeaked, so I returned them. The replacement pair also squeaked. The company is showing the only possible non-embarrassing use of their product: standing motionless on a fluffy carpet.

Ron Logan, [email protected]

Never mind the shoes, dude, you may have squeakfoot. And if you play as much soccer as your address indicates, you may have squeak leg. We know it's the World Cup and everything, but lay off the ball for a while, OK? This condition keeps creepin' up your body, you're gonna need to oil your jock every half hour.

It's a clone of Charlie Chaplin posing for digital animation in the upcoming Osama bin Laden terrorist epic, Attack on Flying Carpets.

J.D. Kinney, [email protected]

Attention J.D. Kinney: Shoe bomber Richard Reid is using your e-mail address. Not to worry, we're turning this information over to the FBI and the CIA. They're sure to be investigating it by 2006.

I think the message in this ad is very clear: "These are your shoes. These are your shoes on drugs."

Tim Ramundo, [email protected]

Thank you, Tim, you win. This was always our fave campaign, too. It became a bong game. See the yolk, take a toke. And we'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate the Partnership on five years of cranking out anti-pot ads that have apparently turned thousands of 13-year-old girls on to the joys of smoke. Like, how cool is that? We can't wait till they start the Partnership for a Sex-Free America.

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